In Which I Cannot Eat an Entire Shake

Before I left for Europe that one time that I went to Europe, I became dreadfully ill. Throwing up, stomach problems, misery, all sorts of flu-related symptoms--you name it, I had it. It lasted for several days.

I was pretty nervous the day I left, worried that the sickness would come back and that I would experience the terrible experience of being sick on an airplane. At least, it sounded like a terrible experience. I hadn't actually had it so I didn't know for sure.

And, as it happened, I didn't get to find out. I didn't get sick on the flight. In fact, as it went on I felt better and better. By the time we got to the layover in Chicago, I was feeling great. I was even feeling hungry. So immediately after unloading, I took myself and my carry-on to a Chinese restaurant, where I feasted on chicken, rice, and crab rangoon. It was the first thing I'd eaten in three days apart from the ice cream cake which, oddly enough, was all I could keep down while sick.

We waited at the terminal for five hours. Towards the end of this time I found I was hungry once more. Not knowing if we'd be fed on the flight, I said to myself, "I will buy a shake at Johnny Rocket's to ease my hunger!"

The only problem with this plan was that whole thing where I'd spent the last three days subsisting almost entirely on ice cream cake. Did I really need more ice cream?

"I'll buy a small," I decided. "It will be fine."

Johnny Rocket's was this retro place that boasts fries, shakes, and the "original" hamburger.

"I'll have a chocolate malt," I declared, seeing they only sold one size of shake. Still, I wasn't quite prepared for that size to be only two dollars less than my three-entree dinner.

"Oh well," I thought. Chocolate malts are, after all, delicious. Surely it would be worth it.

The counter lady handed me a receipt and a coaster.

"What an ingenious coaster!" I thought. Instead of being made of paper or some thin material, it was made of thick black plastic and had little red lights on it. After closer examination I discovered that it was, in fact, a beeper. I tell you though, its shape was very misleading.

My number came up. I received my shake. It was beautiful. It looked exactly like a chocolate malt, which was excellent because it was a chocolate malt. A joyful smile spread over my face as I noted the whipped cream on top and the straw and spoon I'd been given. That same joyful smile quickly evaporated when I noticed something else:

IT WAS HUGE.

Suddenly something dreadful occurred to me. I had never before vanquished an entire shake in one sitting!

Numerous times I've gone to battle with shakes, frosties, and blizzards only to be defeated, forced to put the leftovers in either the freezer or the trash. And those shakes, sadly, were usually small. Never had I tried to eat a monster such as this, one bigger than even the largest shake size at Arctic Circle.

I eyed the whipped cream, which suddenly seemed mocking. What was I to do? How could I, who had only wanted a little ice cream to tide my belly over until the next meal, devour this, this thing?

I took a deep breath and, bravely brandishing the spoon, took a bite--the first of many on my walk back to the terminal.

"Shake," I whispered. "I will end you. Before I board my plane in one hour we will know who is the master here, you or me!"

Anyways, it wasn't me.