Perplexed, But Not in Despair

I'm thinking in a mish-mash.

I'm thinking about a Sunday school lesson where the teacher said, "What if you do everything you're supposed to but things still aren't going right? What then?"

I'm thinking about a scripture I read last week in 2 Corinthians. It describes how we conduct ourselves when we believe in Christ and use the power of the Atonement: "We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair..."

I'm thinking about how Sister Wendy Watson Nelson spoke about desperation at a fireside earlier this year. She said that being desperate can be a "powerful motivator" to make necessary changes in our lives or to take decisive action. That makes sense to me, but this scripture also makes sense to me. I'd say the desperation spoken of in the scripture I just mentioned is not the motivating kind of desperation but the kind of desperation that makes people throw up their hands and give up.

I'm thinking about how for the past three years, parts of my life have been confusing at best and hopeless at worst. I've done everything I'm supposed to, everything I can think of, but so many things still aren't going right.

I'm thinking, over and over again, "What now? Do I throw up my hands and give up?"

We get so caught up in telling one another that it's okay to have questions that we rarely tell one another that it's okay to not get answers to those questions. There are so many things that I question about the way my life is going. I really have no idea what's going on. I feel like I don't know much of anything.

What I do know, however, is enough to keep me pushing forward. What I do know makes it okay for me to not know what I don't know. It makes it okay that so many of the circumstances around me are so confusing.

I am perplexed.

But I am not in despair.