Heartbroken

Context: No, this isn't a post about the election. The only thing I have to say about the election is this: it reminded me of the series finale of The Legend of Korra. Leading up to the finale, I saw where things were headed, and even though I didn't like it, it at least made some sense. Then, when the finale actually happened, it was different than expected. I still didn't like it, but it didn't even make much sense. It was like some writer had panicked and thrown in some crazy stuff so that the ending was a surprise...and that's about how the election came across to me.

This post is actually about dating. I don't write much about specific dating experiences on my blog. Dating is hard enough without having your flaws deconstructed online by someone with whom you went on a date, am I right? However, it seemed appropriate to share the following experience...maybe because it's less about a fella's interactions with me and more about my own internal struggle.

I was heartbroken. Really, truly heartbroken. A guy I cared about had crushed my little heart. No, we weren't dating, but actual dating, I discovered, is not a necessary component of heartbreak. Even if a relationship doesn't actually happen, the strong feelings can still exist.

Immediately following this heartbreak, I went on a date with a guy from a family that is friends with my family. Soon we went on another date. And another...and another.

He was a nice guy. He was cute. He was fun. He was about to go out of state for college, but he hinted that if I gave him a reason to stay, he would stay.

He didn't have all of the qualities I wanted in a boyfriend, though, and so I wrestled with myself, wondering if the lack of those qualities was important enough to rule him out. Sometimes I thought yes. Sometimes I thought no.

The pressure to date him was strong. There was some pressure from my family and some pressure from my friends. They wanted me to be happy, and, on paper, this was the perfect opportunity. It did seem like the right ending to the way things had been going. Just picture it: brokenhearted girl is brokenhearted. Nice guy steps in. She should let nice guy heal and then win her heart, right? It would make sense. It would tie up the loose ends. But...I just couldn't go through with it.

I thought about it, and I prayed about it. I even flipped a coin repeatedly—not as a way to actually make the decision but as a way to figure out what I was actually feeling. I'd heard that when you flip a coin and pretend you'll go with the coin's decision, you'll know what you actually want based on the results. And, sure enough, every time the coin told me to date the fellow, I felt dread. But whenever it said, "Don't date him!" I felt relief.

Madam President even pointed out to me that whenever the guy who had broken my heart texted me, it made me happy, even when I was mad at him. "But when [the guy who wanted to date me] texts you, you never seem excited."

Eventually, I determined that the next time the guy asked me out, I'd say no. However, I think he could tell that I wasn't feeling it, because he never asked me out again. We went our separate ways, and a few months later, he met the girl he ended up marrying.

So that's my story of being heartbroken and of (possible) heartbreaking. I don't know why sometimes things that logically should work out don't feel right and don't turn out. Nor do I know why sometimes things that logically should never work do feel right and turn out. If you've been through one of those experiences and you're looking for someone to explain it to you, I'm sorry: I can't. But if you've been through one of those experiences and you're looking for someone to commiserate with you and say, "It's not fair," you've come to the right place. It isn't fair. Unfortunately, sometimes that's just the way things go.