The Genesis of Awkward Mormon Girl

The first time I asked a guy out, he made an anonymous (or so he thought) post on the Internet complaining about how awkward I was. At the time, the word did not have the connotations of vague charm that it does today. It was completely derogatory.

At first, I was in denial: "I'm not awkward!" Eventually, I admitted it: "I am kind of awkward!" But that didn't take away the pain and embarrassment I felt when I initially saw that post. For years I lived in dread of people thinking I was awkward in a non-charming way. When I started this blog, I claimed the label and made it my own so no one could ever hurt me with it again. Since I already publicly call myself awkward, it's effectively been stripped of its usefulness as an insult.

You might think that the guy who made that anonymous post is a real jerkwad. Well, his behavior was real jerkwad behavior, but he is actually not a real jerkwad. I later found out that he was afraid of being alone forever, so he would do things to hurt other people, subconsciously ensuring that he would be alone forever. Yet he was otherwise a lovely person, and we're wonderful friends now that the days of jerkwad behavior are in the past.

People act oddly when fear takes control. Sometimes they go to ridiculous lengths to prove themselves. Sometimes they go overboard trying to ensure their fear never comes to pass, and sometimes they panic and do the exact thing that will expose them to what they're afraid of. (Anakin Skywalker anyone? All of these apply to Anakin.)

Once a friend and I were talking about a time when they treated me in a less-than-desirable fashion. The person admitted that they'd tried to keep me at arm's length because they were worried that if they gave me a chance to vocalize my feelings, I would choose to end the friendship. To recap: they feared losing my friendship, so they treated me poorly to keep me distant enough that I wouldn't be able to tell them I wanted to end the friendship. Upon hearing this, I was astounded.

AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: Uhhhh...

FRIEND (anguished) I know.

Anyway, kids, let's stop making decisions based on fear. Let's not live our lives in such a way that all is structured around avoiding pain. Or in other words: DON'T BE ANAKIN SKYWALKER!