Royal Wedding

When I was a piddly little child, Older Sister one day said, "We're going to dress up today! A princess just died, and we're going to watch her funeral!"

We raided our dress-up box. I wore a fluffy skirt and the blue velvet jacket, which I thought too sophisticated. Then I watched the funeral on TV with Older Sister and Dad. It was very boring. Thus I've never watched a British royal function again.

When William and Kate got married, I was eating breakfast. It was a very good breakfast—leftovers from Red Lobster's ultimate feast. There were biscuits galore. There were crab legs. Fried shrimp. A lobster tail. A bit of baked potato. Even some appetizers. It was glorious, except for the tedious sounds coming from Older Sister's laptop as she and Mom sat at the kitchen table and watched like their eyes were glued open.

AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: I'm trying to eat. Do you mind watching that somewhere else?

OLDER SISTER, MOM: Yes.

Since then, most of the knowledge I've gleaned about the royal family comes from article headlines that I glimpse on the MSN homepage. The still-single Prince Harry has been the subject of many a headline. For years, folks opined over his lack of settling down.

Well, guess what? He done settled down. Whether he settled, period, remains to be seen. I wouldn't know. I know zero about Meghan Markle.

Although, actually, thanks to MSN headlines, I learned quite a bit last week. Every day, articles said things like, "Meghan Markle's Sister Is Causing Drama!" "Meghan Markle's Father Decides Not to Walk Her Down the Aisle!" "Meghan Markle's Father Decides to Walk Her Down the Aisle After All!" "Meghan Markle's Half-Brother Insulted Her Mother and Is Literally Trash!"

AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: Oh my gosh! Who the heck cares?!

Everybody but me, apparently.

(This is a long way of saying no, I did not watch the Royal Wedding 2.0.)