How to Navigate the Friend Zone and Other Important Relationship Advice

In honor of Valentines Day, I present to you Ask Awkward Mormon Girl Relationship Questions.

Questions I was asked on the blog:
• What does it mean when a guy always looks at you?

Choose one or more of the following:

1) It means that he thinks you are cute.

2) It means that you have dirt on your face.

3) It means that you are fifteen-year-olds and your every emotion is conveyed through covert looks and chance encounters.

4) It means he LIIIIIKES you and wants to keep you in his sights.

5) It means he doesn't like you and he's trying to keep an eye on you so he can avoid you.

6) It means potato.

Questions I was asked in person:
• How do you know when a guy wants to kiss you?

Right before he goes in for the kill, he gets this look on his face. It's, like, half "I have a migraine" and half "Your lips look like a river of molten chocolate."

(Not to be confused with the look on a guy's face when he has an actual migraine whilst standing near an actual river of molten chocolate.)

• How do you break up with someone who you've been dating for a while?

Breaking up with someone is painful no matter how it goes, but there are ways to lessen that pain.

The first way to lessen the pain: meet in person. Speak honestly, but kindly. Be direct. Set break-up boundaries and then stick to them.

The second way to lessen the pain: break up through shadow puppets.

• How do you break up with someone who THINKS that you've been dating for a while?

You just have to put your foot down and be all, "I've been thinking about our non-existent relationship. I know that we have not been dating for a long time. For all these months, we haven't had something special. But now I'm feeling that... that... that maybe we should keep not dating."

Tears may be shed. Accusations may be hurtled helter-skelter. It will be difficult, but your insignificant other deserves to hear the truth.

Question from Little Sister:

Dear Awkward Mormon Girl,
• How do you navigate the rocky, extremely dangerous, semi-fatal terrain known as the friend zone?

In order to navigate this rocky, extremely dangerous, semi-fatal terrain, you will need rock climbing gear, a hard hat, and a hobbit. Because hobbits are cheerful and not easily daunted, and the friend zone is daunting indeed.

You will also have to tend to your physical needs. You'll have to have ice cream. Ice cream is the foodstuffs of the friendzoned. You'll also need shelter. But don't worry, you can build suitable shelter from the crystallized salt of your tears.

In the friend zone, you will face many obstacles. Possibly there will be spiders. Possibly you will run out of ice cream. Definitely there will be sad soundtrack music and paper cuts.

Eventually, one of a few things will happen.

1) You will successfully advance from the friend zone to the love zone of the object of your affections.

2) You will not reach the love zone of the object of your affections, but on your way you will somehow wander into somebody else's love zone. And you'll discover that you like it. And happiness and sprinkles will be yours.

3) You will never make it out of the friend zone. Ever. You will never be in a relationship. And you will buy yourself chocolates and cry yourself to sleep every night while watching Titanic.