Turn of the Century

I took my brothers to Lagoon, Utah's 100-plus-year-old amusement park. Lagoon has some pretty old rides, like a roller coaster that has stood since time immemorial. It's technically named "the Roller Coaster" but everybody calls it "the White Roller Coaster." There's also a merry-go-round and a ride with swings that hang out over the lagoon. This swing ride is called "Turn of the Century." It has a bunch of Victorian- or Edwardian-era ladies painted on it. Which I guess is to signify the meaning of the name.

We were there at Lagoon for Baby Brother's DARE Lagoon Day. DARE is a program where they educate you about the effects of drugs and explain why drugs are a bad idea. At the end of the program, they send you to Lagoon for an afternoon—which doesn't have much to do with drugs but is a lot of fun.

The rule about DARE Lagoon Day is that it must rain. It rained on my DARE Lagoon Day. It probably rained on your DARE Lagoon Day, if you had one. And sure enough, it rained on Baby Brother's.

When it rains on DARE Lagoon Day, a fun thing to do is ride Turn of the Century and whirl gently through the rain while gazing out over the lagoon. At least, I thought so. Little Brother thought so. Baby Brother wasn't so sure, but we persuaded him.

"This is going to be the turn of the century," Little Brother said as we boarded.

It took longer than usual to get the ride started. First, everyone was seated, strapped, and checked by the operator. The operator started the ride, then stopped it because of lightning. While he called his supervisor for permission to run the ride during the lightning, most of the other kids on the ride got off. Then, when the operator announced that it was a go, they all got back on. So they then had to be seated, strapped, and checked a second time.

Little Brother kept saying things like, "Do you know how long the wait for this ride is? A century!" and "This ride hasn't been painted in a century!" The Victorian- or Edwardian-era ladies did look quite shabby.

After the initial ride, the operator said that anyone who wanted to stay on could. Baby Brother wanted to get off, but we compelled him to ride once more.

"Do you know how long this ride lasts?" Little Brother asked him.

"A century," Baby Brother half-giggled, half-sobbed.

After our second round on Turn of the Century, we got some Dippin' Dots, rode some roller coasters, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Once it grew dark, we ran back to Turn of the Century for one more ride.

"If someone sassed you on this ride, it would be the Burn of the Century," Little Brother said. Which caused us to make some increasingly terrible jokes.

"If someone ignored you on this ride, it would the Spurn of the Century."

"If you were taught on this ride, it would be the Learn of the Century."

"If this ride made butter while it was spinning, it would be the Churn of the Century."

"If a dragon guarded this ride, it would be the Wyvern of the Century."

We could give the Muppets a run for their money.