The Care and Keeping of Cuckoo Birds

It's been far too long since the last Ask Awkward Mormon Girl post! So, without further ado, I will answer your questions.

• Does reaching for the stars ever leave battle wounds?

(I have open blisters from where the rocks pulled off skin rock climbing. Totally worth it, but reminder that I didn't always make a reach. Would reaching for stars be similar?

In all honesty, most stars don't like to be reached for. Miley Cyrus is probably okay with it, but George Clooney hates it. But as long as you're not paparazzi, you'll probably leave un-wounded.

• If the guardians of the galaxy have a bake off width the avatar team... what would everyone make, and who would win?

Peter Quill would make brownies. Aang would make egg custard pie. Gamora would refuse to create her own entry, but would help Katara make baklava after Katara asked her nicely. Sokka and Toph would make a rhubarb cactus tart, but Toph would spend like only five percent of the time helping and ninety-five percent of the time using her earth bending seeing skills to spy on Rocket and Groot making vegan bran muffins. Drax would accidentally insult Zuko, who in his stiff and humorless fashion would fly into a rage and burn both Drax's cupcakes and his own sugar cookies. Uncle Iroh would judge Momo's peach macarons to be the winning entry, and Appa would eat all the leftovers.

(Someone turn this into a fanfiction please.)

And now, Little Sister's questions.

Dear Awkward Mormon Bird,

• How is anyone expected to keep their pet cuckoo bird alive when they hardly ever come out of their clock?!?!? PLEASE REALLY TELL ME ITS A LIFE OR DEATH SITUATION'

First of all, for the record, I object to being called a bird unless you are trying to say that I am a penguin. In that case, it would be a compliment.

Second of all, generally speaking, living creatures need only a few things to survive: shelter, air, food, and water.

Your cuckoo bird has a clock to live in, therefore it has shelter. You hear it pop out and cry, "Cuckoo!" on the hour. Crying "Cuckoo!" is not possible without air, therefore your cuckoo bird has air. Clocks are full of gears and springs which your cuckoo can eat if it gets hungry, so I wouldn't worry too much about the food part.

What your cuckoo bird lacks is water. Pour a generous cupful of water into your cuckoo clock so that the poor thing doesn't die of dehydration.

• What came first, the rain or the cloud? And if the cloud came first, how did the chicken survive without any water. Because ya know...no rain.

I'm pretty sure that the cloud did, in fact, come first.

As we previously discussed, living things generally do need water to survive. But good news--clouds are made of water. Also good news--the first chicken lived alongside dinosaurs. So whenever the chicken was thirsty, its brontosaurus friend would let it climb its neck. And then from there the chicken would climb onto the back of an equally friendly pterodactyl. And they would fly into the clouds and drink their fill.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to call Pixar. I think I've found a premise for a sequel to The Good Dinosaur.

But before I go, two notes.

NOTE #1: Speaking of chickens, I recently lent my apartment and my Stitch Fix box to the making of this YouTube video. I am quite pleased with how it turned out.

NOTE #2: Please leave questions in the comments! I'd love to do Ask Awkward Mormon Girl posts more often, but I need your questions! K thx bye.

Labor Day

Approximation of Obnoxious family Sunday dinner discussion:

MOM: What are we doing for the holiday tomorrow?

AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: I thought we were going to get breakfast.

MOM: Well, IHOP is always crowded. Can't we get bagels and go eat them up the canyon?

THE MAJORITY: Boo! No bagels!

MOM: Then we would have to go to IHOP early.

LITTLE SISTER: Yeah, we could get up early and before breakfast we could go on a hike to watch the sunrise!

EVERYBODY: (confused silence because Little Sister is zero athletic)

BABY SISTER: Couldn't we have breakfast in the canyon but eat something that's not bagels?

MOM: Like what?

BABY SISTER: ...squirrels?

We had breakfast at IHOP.

You Might Belong in Gryffindor

Unless you've been living under a rock for the past fifteen or so years, you probably know that September 1st is the beginning of the Hogwarts school year.

Well, this September 1st was Harry Potter's oldest son's first year at Hogwarts. Later that day, J. K. Rowling made an announcement:

As someone who, according to the official Pottermore sorting quiz, is also a Gryffindor, I feel obligated to welcome James Sirius Potter into my fair house.

So, welcome, James! Welcome to Godric Gryffindor's quarter of Hogwarts! Because the hat sorted you into Gryffindor, I am guessing that you possess one or more of the following:

-A tendency to do things you hate or are afraid of
-In fact, you're more likely to do things if you hate them or are afraid of them
-A personal moral code and a trumped-up sense of honor
-A tendency to be rash
-A tendency to show off
-Sudden, noble impulses concerning the well-being of others, even people you don’t know or don’t like
-Especially people you don’t know or don’t like
-A tendency to be a martyr
-A determination to do the right thing despite what others may think of you

Favorite pastimes of Gryffindors include:
-Taking risks
-Saving children from speeding locomotives
-Fainting at the sight of injustice
-Recovering from fainting and proceeding to lead a revolution against said injustice
-Saving the elderly from speeding locomotives
-Never taking the easy way out
-Doing the thing that no one else will do
-Riding a roller coaster and making stupid clever plans to save the person next to you if their safety bar somehow breaks
-Doing something you feel strongly about even when it doesn’t seem “smart”
-Saving beloved pets from speeding locomotives
-Saying “I’m fine” when mortally wounded and/or dying
-Volunteering to do things you may not actually have the capacity to accomplish
-Standing up for people
-Exhibiting a lack of self-preservation skillz
-Saving family heirlooms from speeding locomotives
-Saving speeding locomotives from other speeding locomotives

Here are some appropriate ways to celebrate your new House:
-Drink butterbeer in the common room with friends
-Wear your house colors
-Single-handedly capture and ride a wild griffin
-Remember belatedly that your house mascot is actually a lion, not a griffin
-Search in vain for a lion
-Find a sphinx
-Decide riding sphinx is acceptable substitute for riding lion
-Pics or it didn't happen

My Second Stitch Fix Experience

The V in Jessica V must stand for "Voldemort," because she's definitely a wizard.

In case you missed this post, Jessica V is my Stitch Fix stylist. When I signed up for my second Fix, I requested her to be my stylist again. I also decided to test her ability to find me clothing for a special event. So I scheduled my Fix right before a high school reunion and, in my stylist note, asked for a bright dress or fun top to wear to said reunion.

Then, of course, I did my part by pinning lots of dresses that I liked on my Pinterest board.

When my Fix arrived, I once again received a cheerful note.

Hi Awkward Mormon Girl! Thanks for requesting me for your next Fix, I am glad that you loved your last one! For your upcoming reunion I wanted to send some fun options. I love the Analia Tab Roll Blouse paired with the Francesca Pencil Skirt that you can easily dress up with a pair of heels and a statement necklace. The other two options are the Maeby Geo Print Dress which would go great with the Caroline Crystal Link Bracelet and a waist belt for a more fitted look. Or the Fran Scallop Edge Dress paired with a basic cardigan or fitted blazer. I hope you have a great time at your reunion! Xo Jessica V

I still don't get the Xo thing. Probably the only person that I consistently hug and kiss is Baby Brother. Jessica would have to find me some pretty spectacular clothes before I would be willing to hug and/or kiss her.

But the matter of Jessica's overly familiar sign-off diminished in the face of the fun of trying on clothes.

Here's what my box of clothes looked like from the side:



Immediately, I noticed how beautiful the colors were. Please note that I have pins like this:

And this: 

that specifically talk about colors I like. Well, Jessica V nailed it, color wise.

Everly Fran Scallop Edge Dress: As I pulled this dress out of the box, I literally said out loud, "Yes. Yes. Oh my goodness, yes." I loved this orchid color; I actually had my mom make me a dress in the same color once. I tried this dress on and saw that it was long enough for my garments. Good job, Jessica V! I had a few reservations about the fit of the dress on my figure and whether the style worked with the cardigans I already have. However, my mom came over to look at it and advised me to keep it. Getting a second opinion settled the matter. Verdict: Keep.

Market & Spruce Maeby Geo Print Dress: I probably would never have tried this dress on in a store. When I was in Italy, I romped around in a long flowered skirt and a t-shirt that said, "True Love" on it, which worked in Italy, but after I came home I felt like I couldn't wear the outfit around Hometown. This Geo Print dress gave me a similar sort of feeling, like it just wasn't everyday me. However, when I tried it on with my trusty brown belt, I found I really loved the look. Verdict: Keep.

Bay to Baubles Caroline Crystal Link Bracelet: The stones are very pretty, but honestly what I liked most about this bracelet was how good it looked with the Geo Print dress. Verdict: Keep.

41Hawthorn Analia Tab Roll Blouse: By the time I tried on this blouse and the pencil skirt, I was wondering if I might have a 5/5 Fix on my hands. At first look, I didn't like the blouse as much as the other items, but if I ended up buying the pencil skirt it would be cheaper to get all five items. I tried the blouse on to make sure my first look wasn't wrong. It wasn't. The blouse was made of a weird plasticky material, like a tarp. And it kept sliding off my shoulders, like I was Esmerelda. Verdict: Send back.

Margaret M Francesca Pencil Skirt: The tag on this skirt said it was "cobalt." I love cobalt blue with all my heart. It's one of the more perfect shades of blue. Upon further examination, though, the skirt did not have a zipper. I had to slide it on over my legs and let it sort of meld with my body. Well, this melding was not successful. The skirt was markedly too big for me. Verdict: Send back.

Overall thoughts about my second fix? I was rather impressed. I wore the Geo Print dress and the bracelet to the reunion and then to a wedding reception after. I got lots of compliments, and I felt really pretty.

If you're intrigued and want to try Stitch Fix for yourself, here's my referral link.

Midnight Thoughts

I have been to approximately 10,000,043 wedding receptions this month. And every wedding reception I've been to has been super cute.

Let me tell you a secret: your wedding reception isn't really for you, it's for your family and friends. But even though the reception is not for you, it is a showcase of your good taste and therefore it must be cute or some aesthetically pleasing variation thereof.

I'm not really into flowers, or vintage decorations, or outdoor receptions, or gray suits with small pinstripes, or dresses made entirely of lace. Those things have been considered the epitome of good taste over the last few years, which is problematic. I don't want a reception that people consider tacky, but I don't want it to be just like everybody else's, either. But I didn't catch the bouquet at Rosebud's reception last night, so I guess I don't have to worry about that for a while.

Same Old

You should know by now that Little Sister and I never have a normal conversation, through technology or otherwise.

In Which I Have Sole

In my further adventures of cooking seafood, I decided to learn to cook sole.

In this endeavor, I relied on a cookbook that my mom's best friend gave me for my college graduation. This cookbook is written by Ann Romney.

You may disagree with the Romneys' politics, but notwithstanding Ann Romney's cookbook is an impressive cookbook. She really appreciates food. I especially like her scallop recipe because it's fast and easy but extremely delicious.

When I first saw the sole recipe, I was all, "I have never even seen this fish in my life and therefore this recipe has no value to me." But recently, my local grocery has suddenly started selling sole fillets.

Obviously, this was a sign that I should buy some and learn to cook them. So I did both of those things. Well, I bought them, but the cooking part had mixed results.

So Ann Romney warned me to only cook the sole for 1 to 2 minutes a side or else it would over-cook.

And I was like, "Whatever, Ann Romney. That's what you said about the scallops. And I ended up cooking those like 3 minutes a side before they reached perfection."

So I didn't immediately scoop up some of the sole fillets when they'd cooked for one minute and thirty seconds. I had a good excuse, which was that I'd touched the spatula to a piece of raw fish and needed to find a clean spatula to scoop the cooked fish. But nature doesn't care about good excuses, and by the time I found a replacement spatula the sole had started smoking.

Now, our fire alarm likes to go off willy-nilly. It goes off when there's steam. It goes off when I open up the oven to get something out. It even goes off when I open up the empty, preheated oven to put something in. And then it doesn't shut off unless we wave a dish towel in front of it. And sometimes it goes off multiple times during the preparation of one meal. And then our landlady comes to our apartment to make sure everything's all right. And then we're like, "Yup! Just cooking stuff! Heh-heh."

However, when the sole started smoking, the fire alarm did not go off at all.

And I was all, "Really? Are you actually ever going to be of use if there's an actual fire?"

And the fire alarm obstinately said nothing.

In any case, the edges of the sole were a bit black and crispy, but overall it was quite good. I ate it with sliced lemons on top, steamed asparagus on the side, and a delicious baked potato. Ann Romney couldn't do better.