Ask Awkward Mormon Girl

AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: You should write some questions for me to answer on my blog.

LITTLE SISTER: ...?

AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: I was thinking of starting something different, like kind of an advice post. But I need questions to answer first. You should write some.

LITTLE SISTER: (noncommittal noise)

I assumed she'd forgotten all about it. The next night, however, she texted me and told me to check my iPod when I got home from hanging out with La Petite.

There were no less than thirteen messages on my iPod from Little Sister. The messages are in the italic text. My answers have been interspersed within.

Dear awkward mormon girl:

Please answer one or more of the following

How can you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator based on their singing voices?

Alligators have better vibrato, but crocodiles are better at belting.

What exactly is the function of a sock monkey?

Only someone very disturbed would believe that this makes a great toy.

It's terrifying. It looks like it's bleeding out of its mouth. Plus it's gray and white. The only color in a sock monkey's world is blood. And tassels.

From this I have deducted that the function of a sock monkey is to be terrifying to small children whose relatives bought them a sock monkey because they, the relatives, secretly hate kids. Here, I'll write it out for you mathematically. f(sock monkey) = terror

Do smarter people chose puffed Cheetos

Or crunchy?

Smart people don't "chose" Cheetos at all. Cheetos are almost as terrifying as sock monkeys. A sock monkey eating Cheetos is ultra terrifying. A Cheeto eating sock monkeys is worse.

Does the amount of air in the first choice make a difference in your IQ?

If you eat too many puffy Cheetos, you'll turn into an airhead. Ba-dum-ching!

*chose

*choose

Is autocorrect often annoying?

Yes. Yes it is.

No need for you to answer that one. I have the answer already. Yes. Yes it is.

Does your awkwardness interfere with the life of your remarkably intelligent, hilarious, and talented Little Sister?

You're mistaken. Baby Sister is the remarkably intelligent, hilarious, and talented one. Little Sister is the terrifying one. Neither Cheetos nor sock monkeys compare.

Thank you for your time.

You're welcome and stuff.

LATER

LITTLE SISTER: Did you get my messages?

AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: Yeah. I wish you'd asked some serious questions though.

LITTLE SISTER: Those are serious questions. Except for the one about the Cheetos. That one was a joke.