Logic, Winnipeg, and the Electric Boogaloo

I told Little Sister that if she wanted another Ask Awkward Mormon Girl post, now was the time. She said okay, then sent the questions when I was sleeping at one a.m. on a Sunday morning.

• If six people were in a room and there were four flavors of potato chips, which type would the person on your left eat first?

Statistically speaking, apparently America's favorite chip is Cheetos. But I am not having that, so that's not my final answer, Alex.

I'm pretty sure that this puzzle is solved with logic. Like that riddle in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. You know "poison sits on the nettle wine's left side" and all that stuff. I'm going to run that through the logic part of my brain and get back to you.

• If you could pick one country to never take a cruise to, what would it be?

I was going to say Winnipeg as Winnipeg is landlocked. Too bad, because I'll never get to cruise there to enjoy their *Googles frantically* jazz festival and hot-smoked fish. But then I remembered that Winnipeg isn't a country. It's part of the country of Canada, which apparently you can cruise to if you live in New England.

So instead I'm going to say Andorra. To which you might say, "Where's Andorra?" to which I say, "Exactly."

• Should your sequel blog be entirely dedicated to posts about Little Sister?

Meh, I was actually thinking of something more along the lines of Alvin and the Chipmunks: the Squeakquel. I didn't particularly like that movie, but it did well enough for them to make two more, so.

I am also considering Awkward Mormon Girl 2: Electric Boogaloo.

• Better yet- should Little Sister write your sequel blog?

Sure. It can be ghostwritten. If you can find the time for that. (Spoiler: Little Sister is too busy to find the time for that.)

Love,
Little Sister

I've figured out the answer to the riddle.

The only time I can think of where I'd be in a room with five other people and also four kinds of potato chips is opening presents with my siblings on Christmas Day. Based on where we usually sit to open presents, the person to my left is Little Sister, who should be eating the Pringles that came in her own stocking first. Unless she's a stealer. In which case she might be eating the Pizza Pringles from my stocking.

At the Polls

I'm noticing that more and more people are conducting polls on Facebook, Instagram stories, and Twitter. Sometimes I think they're genuinely trying to crowdsource their decisions...but more often, I think it's just for fun.

A previous blog I created on Blogger (before Blogger became the armpit of the Internet) had a little poll widget on it. I'd ask random questions, such as "What boy should I have a crush on?" (Yup...I was a teenager...don't judge too harshly.)

I don't think Blogger's capable of handling poll widgets anymore (RIP Blogger's usefulness). But just for fun, shall we have a poll? We shall. We shall be meta and have a poll about polls.

The poll is: Which of the following polls would you be most likely to participate in?

A) A poll asking who Awkward Mormon Girl should date (for old times's sake)

B) A poll asking where Awkward Mormon Girl should travel (I actually would like this advice)

C) A poll asking when Ask Awkward Mormon Girl should be a thing again (it's overdue)

D) A poll asking which Harry Potter character is actually the worst (because I am constantly stymied by the number of people who think Ron is the worst character when clearly it's Snape)

Be an American and vote!

The Care and Keeping of Cuckoo Birds

It's been far too long since the last Ask Awkward Mormon Girl post! So, without further ado, I will answer your questions.

• Does reaching for the stars ever leave battle wounds?

(I have open blisters from where the rocks pulled off skin rock climbing. Totally worth it, but reminder that I didn't always make a reach. Would reaching for stars be similar?

In all honesty, most stars don't like to be reached for. Miley Cyrus is probably okay with it, but George Clooney hates it. But as long as you're not paparazzi, you'll probably leave un-wounded.

• If the guardians of the galaxy have a bake off width the avatar team... what would everyone make, and who would win?

Peter Quill would make brownies. Aang would make egg custard pie. Gamora would refuse to create her own entry, but would help Katara make baklava after Katara asked her nicely. Sokka and Toph would make a rhubarb cactus tart, but Toph would spend like only five percent of the time helping and ninety-five percent of the time using her earth bending seeing skills to spy on Rocket and Groot making vegan bran muffins. Drax would accidentally insult Zuko, who in his stiff and humorless fashion would fly into a rage and burn both Drax's cupcakes and his own sugar cookies. Uncle Iroh would judge Momo's peach macarons to be the winning entry, and Appa would eat all the leftovers.

(Someone turn this into a fanfiction please.)

And now, Little Sister's questions.

Dear Awkward Mormon Bird,

• How is anyone expected to keep their pet cuckoo bird alive when they hardly ever come out of their clock?!?!? PLEASE REALLY TELL ME ITS A LIFE OR DEATH SITUATION'

First of all, for the record, I object to being called a bird unless you are trying to say that I am a penguin. In that case, it would be a compliment.

Second of all, generally speaking, living creatures need only a few things to survive: shelter, air, food, and water.

Your cuckoo bird has a clock to live in, therefore it has shelter. You hear it pop out and cry, "Cuckoo!" on the hour. Crying "Cuckoo!" is not possible without air, therefore your cuckoo bird has air. Clocks are full of gears and springs which your cuckoo can eat if it gets hungry, so I wouldn't worry too much about the food part.

What your cuckoo bird lacks is water. Pour a generous cupful of water into your cuckoo clock so that the poor thing doesn't die of dehydration.

• What came first, the rain or the cloud? And if the cloud came first, how did the chicken survive without any water. Because ya know...no rain.

I'm pretty sure that the cloud did, in fact, come first.

As we previously discussed, living things generally do need water to survive. But good news--clouds are made of water. Also good news--the first chicken lived alongside dinosaurs. So whenever the chicken was thirsty, its brontosaurus friend would let it climb its neck. And then from there the chicken would climb onto the back of an equally friendly pterodactyl. And they would fly into the clouds and drink their fill.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to call Pixar. I think I've found a premise for a sequel to The Good Dinosaur.

But before I go, two notes.

NOTE #1: Speaking of chickens, I recently lent my apartment and my Stitch Fix box to the making of this YouTube video. I am quite pleased with how it turned out.

NOTE #2: Please leave questions in the comments! I'd love to do Ask Awkward Mormon Girl posts more often, but I need your questions! K thx bye.

Ask Little Sister

Dear Little Sister,

What is the number-one thing you should buy when moving out of the house?

Toilet paper

2. Cheetos

3. A house to move into because you just moved out of your other one and are probably homeless. If not a house, then a mediocre car or a very nice dog igloo.

How can I get my hair to look as fancy as yours?

and

If a train going 45 miles an hour leaves New York City and a bus going 57 miles leaves Ontario and they are both going north in perpendicular directions, at what point will it start raining gummy bears?

Thanks ever so much.

Answer to question 3: Neither, because tatertots and turban don't rhyme.

Just kidding. They can't be going north AND perpendicular. Just testing you. Obviously.

YOU FAILED.

I actually took a second to think about how things could be going north and perpendicular at the same time and it really hurt my brain

Until I realized this is obviously taking in a place where the North Pole is constantly moving.

So they are just traveling perpendicular to each other, and they both are headed north at some point in their journey.

You never answered the hair question.

I will now.

Your hair can look as fancy as mine with the following things:

The boldness of this

The bounciness of this

 

 

The urgency of this

The ferocity of this

 

The creativeness of this

 

Lots and lots of this

 

 
And of course the ultimate key and all time most powerful well kept secret hair tool:

 

This.

 

Wow.

That's, like, the only thing better than hairspray.

Use all those and your hair can look like this:

 

 

In no time.

How beautimus.

You're welcome.

How to Navigate the Friend Zone and Other Important Relationship Advice

In honor of Valentines Day, I present to you Ask Awkward Mormon Girl Relationship Questions.

Questions I was asked on the blog:
• What does it mean when a guy always looks at you?

Choose one or more of the following:

1) It means that he thinks you are cute.

2) It means that you have dirt on your face.

3) It means that you are fifteen-year-olds and your every emotion is conveyed through covert looks and chance encounters.

4) It means he LIIIIIKES you and wants to keep you in his sights.

5) It means he doesn't like you and he's trying to keep an eye on you so he can avoid you.

6) It means potato.

Questions I was asked in person:
• How do you know when a guy wants to kiss you?

Right before he goes in for the kill, he gets this look on his face. It's, like, half "I have a migraine" and half "Your lips look like a river of molten chocolate."

(Not to be confused with the look on a guy's face when he has an actual migraine whilst standing near an actual river of molten chocolate.)

• How do you break up with someone who you've been dating for a while?

Breaking up with someone is painful no matter how it goes, but there are ways to lessen that pain.

The first way to lessen the pain: meet in person. Speak honestly, but kindly. Be direct. Set break-up boundaries and then stick to them.

The second way to lessen the pain: break up through shadow puppets.

• How do you break up with someone who THINKS that you've been dating for a while?

You just have to put your foot down and be all, "I've been thinking about our non-existent relationship. I know that we have not been dating for a long time. For all these months, we haven't had something special. But now I'm feeling that... that... that maybe we should keep not dating."

Tears may be shed. Accusations may be hurtled helter-skelter. It will be difficult, but your insignificant other deserves to hear the truth.

Question from Little Sister:

Dear Awkward Mormon Girl,
• How do you navigate the rocky, extremely dangerous, semi-fatal terrain known as the friend zone?

In order to navigate this rocky, extremely dangerous, semi-fatal terrain, you will need rock climbing gear, a hard hat, and a hobbit. Because hobbits are cheerful and not easily daunted, and the friend zone is daunting indeed.

You will also have to tend to your physical needs. You'll have to have ice cream. Ice cream is the foodstuffs of the friendzoned. You'll also need shelter. But don't worry, you can build suitable shelter from the crystallized salt of your tears.

In the friend zone, you will face many obstacles. Possibly there will be spiders. Possibly you will run out of ice cream. Definitely there will be sad soundtrack music and paper cuts.

Eventually, one of a few things will happen.

1) You will successfully advance from the friend zone to the love zone of the object of your affections.

2) You will not reach the love zone of the object of your affections, but on your way you will somehow wander into somebody else's love zone. And you'll discover that you like it. And happiness and sprinkles will be yours.

3) You will never make it out of the friend zone. Ever. You will never be in a relationship. And you will buy yourself chocolates and cry yourself to sleep every night while watching Titanic.

Peanut Butter, Rubik's Cubes, and Witchcraft

Aaand now it's time for what you've all been waiting for: another Ask Awkward Mormon Girl post!

•Creamy or crunchy peanut butter? Be honest.

Nutella.

But when Nutella-less, creamy, of course. Creamy peanut butter is the protein source of champions and high ACT scorers.

•How do you know if a guy likes you?

This is an area I have a lot of expertise in, since I am in a relationship of almost nine months.

(With a blog. But still.)

When you get to be a certain age, if a guy likes you, I think that he should just tell you.

That doesn't mean that he will. But he should. And if you like him, you should tell him too. If people would just be honest with one another, like seventy-two percent of the problems in the world would disappear overnight.

If all else fails, just, like, steal his diary or something.

•How do you lose a stalker?

Stay away from cornfields.

•How do you work without getting bored?

Find a job that you love. Because when you love something, you will never get bored of it.

Just kidding. I get bored of stuff that I love all the time. Except not hobbits. I never tire of hobbits.

What you need to do is spice up your relationship with your work.

Remember how wonderful everything was when you first got together? Recreate that old spark by dressing up for the time you spend together.

Buy small gifts for your job. Bring it chocolates and its favorite flowers.

Write nice notes for your job and put it in its sack lunches. If you don't make sack lunches for your job, now is the time to start. The more effort you put into the relationship, the more you will get out of it.

• How do you choose a present for your mom?

Don't buy her a loufa.

Thanks to everyone for submitting these questions! Now I will answer the ones I was sent by you-know-who.

Dear awkward mormon girl,
Please answer the following questions:

•Have you ever solved a rubix cube before?

A few years ago, Baby Brother purchased a Rubik's cube for me for my birthday. He often came to my room to play with it. Eventually, he broke it.

He then brought me another Rubik's cube and brought it to my room. Because I am not a genius-child like him, he knew I would not know that it was for me unless he made it very, very clear. So he put a sticky note on it that said, "To Awkward Mormon Girl from Baby Brother."

Also one that said, "New Rubix cube" because people who are not genius children can't identify objects unless they are labeled.

Now he comes to my room every day and asks me when I'm going to mix the Rubik's cube up. I don't want to mix it up because I know, from years of experience, that I will never be able to solve it, and I think it's beautiful the way it is.

Which is a long way of saying no, I have never solved a Rubik's cube. But Baby Brother probably has. In less than a minute. Simply by looking at it.

If not, please attempt to solve one during a commercial break the next time you watch t.v.

You first.

•What is your favorite type of fence? This is my go to question when I'm getting to know people, and I'm curious to know yours.

My go-to question when I'm getting to know people is "What is your blood type?" But to each their own.

I like picket fences. Because "picket" is fun to say. It's like a hobbit name or something. Picket Baggins.

•If I had 26 Cheetos and gave Tinkerbell 37 cosmic brownies, how many sour cream buckets would Rafiki leave on our doorstep?

None. But Phineas and Ferb would put half a gallon of ice cream on the roof.

•How did your attempt at the rubix cube go?

As well as my attempt to win an Oscar. Both are imaginary.

P.s. If you solve a rubix cube during commercial break, you probably didn't actually.

You know me so well.

After asking me these questions, Little Sister sent me another message on my iPod.

Little Sister: Did you get these messages? Because for some reason I'm getting them on my iPod.

Little Sister: Bad iPod.

Little Sister: Technology confuses me.

Me: Oh, I'm getting them all right.

All of a sudden, a message that I had not typed appeared on my side of the screen.

Little Sister on my account: Oooh is this sent from your account?

Me: What is this stop it.

Little Sister on her account: Woah. I'm like in two places at once!

Me: Devilry. Witchcraft.

Little Sister on my account: I'm not actually sure how I'm doing this...

Little Sister on her account: Okay goodnight hahahahha.

Me: Goodnight. Tomorrow we will burn you at the stake.

Little Sister on her account: You will think you are burning me.

Little Sister on my account: But it will actually be you. ;)

Little Sister on her account: Tehehehehhehemuahahahahahha.

Me: ...I am way more creeped out right now than I should be.

Ask Awkward Mormon Girl

AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: You should write some questions for me to answer on my blog.

LITTLE SISTER: ...?

AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: I was thinking of starting something different, like kind of an advice post. But I need questions to answer first. You should write some.

LITTLE SISTER: (noncommittal noise)

I assumed she'd forgotten all about it. The next night, however, she texted me and told me to check my iPod when I got home from hanging out with La Petite.

There were no less than thirteen messages on my iPod from Little Sister. The messages are in the italic text. My answers have been interspersed within.

Dear awkward mormon girl:

Please answer one or more of the following

How can you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator based on their singing voices?

Alligators have better vibrato, but crocodiles are better at belting.

What exactly is the function of a sock monkey?

Only someone very disturbed would believe that this makes a great toy.

It's terrifying. It looks like it's bleeding out of its mouth. Plus it's gray and white. The only color in a sock monkey's world is blood. And tassels.

From this I have deducted that the function of a sock monkey is to be terrifying to small children whose relatives bought them a sock monkey because they, the relatives, secretly hate kids. Here, I'll write it out for you mathematically. f(sock monkey) = terror

Do smarter people chose puffed Cheetos

Or crunchy?

Smart people don't "chose" Cheetos at all. Cheetos are almost as terrifying as sock monkeys. A sock monkey eating Cheetos is ultra terrifying. A Cheeto eating sock monkeys is worse.

Does the amount of air in the first choice make a difference in your IQ?

If you eat too many puffy Cheetos, you'll turn into an airhead. Ba-dum-ching!

*chose

*choose

Is autocorrect often annoying?

Yes. Yes it is.

No need for you to answer that one. I have the answer already. Yes. Yes it is.

Does your awkwardness interfere with the life of your remarkably intelligent, hilarious, and talented Little Sister?

You're mistaken. Baby Sister is the remarkably intelligent, hilarious, and talented one. Little Sister is the terrifying one. Neither Cheetos nor sock monkeys compare.

Thank you for your time.

You're welcome and stuff.

LATER

LITTLE SISTER: Did you get my messages?

AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: Yeah. I wish you'd asked some serious questions though.

LITTLE SISTER: Those are serious questions. Except for the one about the Cheetos. That one was a joke.