The Post That Took Me Two Years to Write

I started writing this post in the summer of 2013. The idea of sharing something so personal is frightening, but I believe that others can learn and benefit from my experience. So, now that the time feels right, here it is.

There are some phrases in this post that you may not be familiar with if you aren't LDS. I've provided links to some web pages that may help you understand.

As a child, I took it for granted that God existed. I made a decision to be baptized at age eight, and I can honestly say that I understood what I was doing. I knew that being baptized meant that my name would be added to the records of the Church. I understood that I would be making promises to Jesus Christ, that I would be taking His name upon me and become a representative of Him and of His church. I understood that while baptism would give me an initial remission of my sins, I would continue to make mistakes and each time would have to use repentance and the sacrament to begin anew. I understood that I would receive the gift of the Holy Ghost. I understood that I would be held accountable for my own actions. I understood that this was a commitment not to be taken lightly. I understood that it was important.

I truly made the decision to officially join the Church myself. It was my decision, not the decision of my parents or anyone else.

When I was about eleven, I stopped taking the existence of God for granted. Instead of thinking, "Of course God exists!" I thought, "Does God exist?" One day, my Primary teacher gave each of her students a piece of paper to write our testimonies on. I discovered that I didn't have a testimony, at least to my conscious knowledge. I didn't know what was true or even if anything was.

I want to stress that this whole thought process was very self-contained. In some ways, I can be extremely unaware of other people. In this instance, I didn't notice or feel any expectations of family or other Church members. This all took place very much in my own head, without me ever taking into consideration what my family wanted or didn't want for me. Nobody else ever knew what I was thinking, and I took no counsel. All the conclusions that I reached were my own.

One of these conclusions that I arrived at was that I had chosen to become a member of the Church. I believed then, but now I wasn't so sure. So I decided I'd better make sure I believed in it, or else I'd have to leave it, that's all. I decided i'd better start by reading the Bible cover to cover. I was twelve.

I started off reading three chapters a night, then whittled it down to one. I liked the Bible because it reminded me of The Silmarillion, but the first few months I was reading it I didn't get much out of it spiritually.

I should also mention that my Bible was in a big book of scriptures that had the Bible, the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price in it. I was starting with the Bible, but I had this notion that I'd read straight through all the scriptures in this big quad.

After a few months of my Bible reading, the bishop of our ward offered a challenge to read the Book of Mormon straight through. It was a challenge that echoed a similar challenge given by President Hinckley. I decided to accept the challenge as part of my studies, and so for a few months I read both the Bible and the Book of Mormon side-by-side.

I highly recommend the Book of Mormon to you if you haven't already read it. As I read, I received a lot of insight, although I still wasn't sure what I believed.

When I reached the last book of the Book of Mormon, I found a promise given by Moroni, which I knew by heart because my mom had once had us all memorize it: "And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost. And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things."

I knew that this promise was waiting at the end of the book. I knew what it meant. So when I arrived there, I decided to try it out.

I have to say that I was scared at both the thoughts of receiving an answer and not receiving an answer. I wasn't setting out to prove or disprove anything, I just wanted to know the truth. But the truth is almost always terrifying.

I knelt. I prayed in Christ's name. I waited.

I felt something then. Something outside of myself, a power that told me that this book was true. I can't fully describe it. Before I prayed, I had doubts, but afterwards I didn't. Before I prayed, I didn't know, but afterwards I did. Something miraculous had happened not only in my brain, but in my heart. I knew that the book was true, and that therefore Joseph Smith was a prophet of God who had helped bring about His work. Because God had heard my prayer, and He had send the Holy Ghost with an answer as Moroni had promised. And therefore, God did exist. And I was in the church that He had founded when He had brought forth this true book, and it was His true church, and therefore, leaving was not an option.

That experience changed everything. The knowledge which I had received became a foundation on which I built more knowledge as I got older. The knowledge helped me build my very own testimony, though for a long time it was only a few lines: "I know that God exists. I know the Church is true. I know the Book of Mormon is true. I now that Joseph Smith is a prophet of God." Small, but a start.

I didn't become a perfect person after that. I still needed to grow, and to learn. And there was still so much, so many things that I knew but which I still needed to learn to apply in my life. There are still many things I'm continuing to learn.

But I knew enough to change my life. Everything I do now, I do because of that experience as an eleven-and-twelve-year-old. I learned the truth then, and I know it, and I can't help but stand by it.