(Disclaimer: All these things were said by other people. I am only a messenger.)
“I don’t believe anyone has ever had a life that boring.”
On good literature: “It shouldn’t be something that you have to suffer through.”
“When I read it, it makes my heart feel dead.”
“I personally don’t care as it happens to make me ill.”
“I go to sleep and everything is like out of my head.”
“What is a close reading?”
“Reading something closely.”
“It should be called a slow reading, not a close one.”
“Are you eating the paper?”
“You’re comparing William Shakespeare to Christ now?”
“It looks like granola but it tastes like sunshine.”
“Where did that come from?”
“Nowhere. Just his imagination.”
“Oreos are all about shame because people judge you no matter what way you eat them.”
“I went canoeing. I also sang Pocahontas songs the entire time.”
“I used to use ‘aver’ a lot in college ‘cause I thought I was smart.”
Composition of best research paper ever: “I agree. Period. Works Cited page.”
“When I was younger, I loved breaking into churches.”
“I’m not sure I know what facetious means.”
“I’m not sure you do.”
“Citrus is perky.”
On academic writing: “It is a peculiar genre with peculiar rules.”
“It sounded interesting, but it really wasn’t.”
“No one needs to know about Russian formalism.”
On “The Dispute Between Mary and the Cross”: “I love Debate Mary.”
“I’m like an owl because they’re kind of cute but also awkward in a scary way.”
“Little children are so innocent. Most of them.”
“And old people are just old.”
“Are you sick?”
“No.”
“Allergies?”
“No. I just sneezed.”
“How did it go? Better or worse than you expected?”
“Better.”
“How better?”
“I didn’t get an asthma attack.”
“Some of you said that presentations freaks you out… did you just stop breathing?”
“You’re just as boring as all get out, aren’t you?”
“Pretty much.”
“Good for you.”
“You, ma’am, can leave my country.”
“If it’s a serial killer wearing Awkward Mormon Girl’s skin, I would like to die knowing that I made its life that much more impossible.”
“Religious strife is delicious.”
“I really love her ‘cause I just do.”
“David, being the idiot that he is, doesn’t get it.”
“David and I could probably hang out, because I don’t get it either.”
“They accepted my application for some reason. I wish they hadn’t."
On decrepitness: “At some point, we’ll all be that way.”
“There has to be a reason for myth other than myth-busting.”
“An accident doesn’t happen to just one person.”
“Anger is pointy.”
“Why does this group scare me?”
“Norse people have no concept of time. It’s a terrible, terrible thing.”
“Barney lied really bad.”
“Imagine if some dog composed a symphony. We would not be able to fully enjoy it.”
“But if worst comes to worst, you could still kill all of us with your thumbs. That gives some perspective.”
“There was a lot of crying. No one bought anything.”
“I’m just really glad that musical theatre does exist in real life.”
“Like right now, or today?”
“…Yes.”
“The power of Christ: it’s just insane.”
“Language doesn’t need to be elevated to be effective.”
“No one’s ever said that in the world.”
“Who said hope and death are opposites?”
“Guys, I would love to argue with you all day.”
“In my mind, I’m a white orchid.”
“That’s probably why I’m really good at talking.”
“I think I’ve always thought that, but I didn’t know that I thought that.”
“Maybe I’m a terrorist, but I definitely don’t feel that way at all.”
“I love fractals, but the most important thing in life to me is table tennis.”
“Life’s just not my thing.”
“What kind of animal are you today?”
“A bear, because I’m ready to hibernate.”
“What kind of bear?”
“A bear that hibernates.”
“…and then he died. It’s very sad. Heh-heh.”
“Sing everywhere now.”
“You’ve just kind of rearranged the deck chairs on the Titanic.”
“Great writers die of good communicable diseases.”
“Death by handout.”
“What are you guys doing?”
“Babylonian mathematics.”
“I say, ‘That’s great, Chaucer. I don’t know what that rank means, so explain yourself.’ But he won’t ‘cause he’s dead.”
“It’s kind of like having Mass now, except for all the time.”
“Grab some mead, grab some bagpipes, grab some buds.”
“It’s all about you, Chaucer.”
On Canterbury Cathedral: “It was sort of like the Vegas of Medieval England.”
“…like a desperate housewife, but with medieval garb and without all the plastic surgery.”
“People had no carpets in those days.”
“I don’t care at all about Chaucer, I just want to hear what Tyrwhitt has to say!”
“I’m a Scotsman, and Chaucer was practically Scottish!”
On knights: “Think about what it meant to be that gracious while wearing a tin can.”
“You sound like a torture and execution device. Fo sho.”
“Feel free to jump in, fellow Cross-mates.”
“…let’s not make that a thing.”
“Why is this lady eating flowers?”
“Before we accrue any more bad habits…”
“Chaucer is the most famous medieval aerial photographer.”
“Jane Austen can divide worlds.”
“Some of these texts are pretty sexy things.”
“This level of creativity is frightening me.”
“You can grow up on a street in Bangladesh and write gangster rap. Maybe.”
“For some reason, in America, we have this idea that old plays must be done in a faux British accent.”
“People aren’t objective. People are fickle. People aren’t rational.”
“When someone lights themself on fire in protest, that’s when you know you need to change something.”
“I guess everything’s an argument.”
Works of Chaucer: “Fanfiction in the Middle Ages”
“I feel left out as a man.”
“How do the words affect the reading of the text?”
“Words: Argue for or against.”
“My response: True.”
“Most people conclude that it’s just not sensible.”
“Why would anyone who wants a support group come to me?”
“One of the worst things you can do for your cause is filibustering.”
“Or carpetbagging.”
“Santa Claus does not exist. You’re alone in the world.”
“Descartes would be devoured by the velociraptor.”
“Geometrically.”
“We shouldn’t confuse complicated with contrived.”
“A lot of our life’s not a scientific experiment.”
“What if you were diagnosed with a disease? Would you go to someone with a realist approach to medicine, or an anti-realist approach?”
“I’d cover all my bases.”
“All species do manipulate their environment. We’re just the most successful.”
“So the most manipulative?”
“I hate the ocean.”
“I’m always smooth.”
“Except for when you just said that.”
“How was your weekend?”
“Yes.”
“You’d either have a lot of wrecks or you’d kill yourself.”
On Choose Your Own Adventure: “I always died. No matter what I chose, I died.”
“It’s sort of like life in a way.”
“This lady is so horrible, she had to kill her.”
“I’m just talking in code now. It’s okay.”
“Nobody saw that I was stealing this clicker thingy. Nobody was paying attention.”
“In some strange places like Mars, they do say ‘bananas.’”
“Impress your friends: make a word that is five miles long.”
“Sorry. I just like putting people down.”
“Wow. I’m talking a lot today.”
“That’s why God invented Google—so you can go look it up.”
“You ever hear about people setting you up for failure? That was like the perfect moment.”
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