Awkward Mormon Hanukkah

Heads up, everyone: Hanukkah starts on the day before Thanksgiving this year.

Every year, my celebration of one night of Hanukkah is made possible through five easy steps.

Step One: Learn all about Jewish heritage.
Judaism is a) a religion, b) a race, c) a culture.

The title of the blog may have clued you in that I don't practice Judaism the religion. However, I'm still descended from the Jewish race. That's not changing anytime soon or, well, ever.

My parents enjoy telling us about our ancestors. My mom prefers to tell stories about all her ancestors who have lived in America since the Mayflower, but she does make concessions to the Jewishness that comes from the Obnoxious side of the family. One of those was to purchase picture books about Jews when I was a small child.

We had one picture book about Judas Maccabee. For those of you who don't know who that is, allow me to summarize the book as I recall it:

Judas Maccabee lives in some early century. Dudes come to the Jews and start destroying all their stuff. Above all, they're destroying and plundering the Jewish temple, which ticks Judas off. He decides to fight back.

Judas Maccabee organizes guerilla warfare against the dudes who are destroying their stuff. He wins.

Once the dudes are gone, the Jews try to put themselves back together. They start cleaning up the temple. They want to light their menorah, but there's only one jar of sacred oil, enough for just one day. The menorah is lit, and it miraculously stays lit for eight days. And so the celebration of Hanukkah is born. The End.

That's the story. More or less.

Step Two: Know what to eat..

1) Latkes and applesauce, as stressed by the picture book Latkes and Applesauce. The thesis of this book is that Hanukkah isn't Hanukkah unless you eat some latkes. And latkes aren't latkes unless they're eaten with applesauce. And latkes and applesauce are delicious.

2) Gold coins, dried fruit, and nuts won playing dreidel (see Step Four).

Something you should not eat on Hanukkah: Pork chops.

Granted, pork chops with latkes and applesauce are wonderful. Except I didn't even say that, because how would I know? It's not like I've ever tried that particular combination.

On Hanukkah.

Nope.

Step Three: Know what to sing.
This one's a little harder, because I don't know many Hanukkah-appropriate songs. I've solved this problem by repeatedly singing songs from Fiddler on the Roof.

I also like to sing the Hebrew portion of "There Can Be Miracles." I learned how to pronounce all the words in ninth-grade choir, and I haven't stopped singing it over and over again since (much to the dread of my family).

Step Four: Know what activities to do.
My family likes to play dreidel. It's this game with a special top (the dreidel) and a pot of candy. It's kind of like gambling except with gold coins, dried fruit, and nuts.

There are symbols on the side of the dreidel that tell you how much candy to take or give back after you've spun it. My favorite symbol is "nun" because it means exactly what it sounds like.

My blue-and-silver plastic dreidel has mysteriously gone missing. I would think that someone stole it except I can think of zero circumstances under which anyone would want to steal a dreidel.

Over the weekend, I looked online for a replacement. This turned out to be a bizarre experience.

For instance, did you know that there are dreidel Christmas tree ornaments? That seems wrong on so many levels.

Also, dreidels can be bought in packs of eight. I don't know why anyone would want eight dreidels.

Unless...oh! Oh! I've got it. Maybe they're dreidels that self-destruct after each night of Hanukkah. So you have to have eight of them. Because if you don't, you wouldn't have any more festive Hanukkah activities to do.

It all makes sense now.

Step Five: Share the joy of the holiday with everyone around you.
AWKWARD MORMON GRL: Happy Hanukkah!!!

FRIENDS: What

AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: It's Hanukkah. Didn't you know that? Oh right, you don't know that because you're not Jewish. I always know when it's Hanukkah. My Israelite senses tingle.

FRIENDS: Get out of our lives.