The Art of Manliness

It was night, and it was raining. The car was in the church parking lot. The car's battery was dead. The car needed to be jump-started.

Easier said than done.

"I have jumper cables," Madam President volunteered. "Do you know how to jump-start a dead battery?"

"No," said the woefully unprepared Awkward Mormon Girl. This was not the first time her car battery had died that week. The first time, she had sworn to herself that it would never happen again.

She had also sworn many times that she would get a spare key and Velcro it to the inside of her purse so that she wouldn't have to call home on the frequent occasions she locked her keys in her car. That hadn't happened, either.

"I don't know how to jump-start one either," said Madam President.

Since neither of them knew how to jump-start a car, they decided to consult something that would know: the internet.

"Here's a blog post on how to jump-start a car," Madam President announced after consulting her smartphone. The blog post was from a blog called The Art of Manliness. That was promising. Everyone knows that manliness is about jump-starting cars, not about standing up for truth or treating people right.

With some difficulty, they were able to figure out the mechanical workings of the mysterious device known as a hood. They propped the hoods' lids open and, standing in the rain, used a flashlight to gaze upon the dark interiors.

"Okay," said Madam President. "How do we do this?"

"Okay, so, connect the red cable to the positive terminal," Awkward Mormon Girl said, scrolling through the blog post.

MADAM PRESIDENT: Which one is the positive one?

(thoughtful silence)

AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: Well, this one kind of looks like the picture on the blog. See, if you turn the picture around... Oh, look, there's a marking on it.

BOTH: (peer closer)

AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: Is that a negative...or a positive?

AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: It's a positive...I think.

CABLE: (is attached)

MADAM PRESIDENT: Okay, so that must mean that we attach the black cable to the negative terminal. I'll just-

AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY. STOP! The blog says that if you attach the negative cable to the negative terminal, there will be a terrible explosion and you will die a horrific, horrifying, fiery death!!! You're supposed to attach the negative terminal to some other piece of metal somewhere under the hood instead.

An examination of the engine ensued.

Asked Madam President, "Is that metal, or is it just gray plastic?" They had never in their lives had such a hard time telling two completely different materials apart.

Finally, after much ado, all the cables were attached. Madam President hopped into her car.

"Stand back, Awkward Mormon Girl, in case one of our cars explode," she said. "If I die, tell my family that I love them."

Gingerly she turned the ignition. The blog said to let the engine run for a few minutes before turning on the dead car, so patiently Madam President and Awkward Mormon Girl waited.

After an appropriate number of minutes, Awkward Mormon Girl tried her engine. Nada.

"Maybe," Madam President said, "if we let the engine run longer..."

They did. Todavía nada.

Thrice they tried, and thrice they failed, and all the while it was cold and dark and rainy. After the third try, they made up their minds to leave the car till morning and come back with a more experienced adult.

At that moment, two members of the bishopric exited the church building. They saw what Madam President and Awkward Mormon Girl were trying to do, and immediately offered their assistance and mad skillz of manliness.

The first thing they did was reconfigure the cables.

COUNSELOR: Which one is the positive one?

(thoughtful silence)

OTHER COUNSELOR: Look, there's a marking on it. Is that a negative...or a positive?

The red cable was attached to the positive terminal. And then, horror of horrors, one of the counselors attached the black cable to the negative terminal!!!

Madam President and Awkward Mormon Girl gasped, waiting for a terrible explosion and horrific, horrifying, fiery death.

But there were no explosions. There were no deaths. Just Awkward Mormon Girl's car starting up, quite nicely.

As she got in the car and drove away, Awkward Mormon Girl swore that the next time her car battery died, she would jump it herself.

And also, she would definitely get a Velcroed key.