The Nosebleed Section

Everyone in my family but me had a cold last weekend. This has caused my personal RN aka my mother to inquire after my health thusly:

MOM: How are you feeling?

AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: Well-

MOM: You wouldn't happen to have a (dramatic pause) COLD, would you?

AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: ...no...I'm feeling fine.

MOM: Because I can get you medicine for your (dramatic pause) COLD.

AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: I don't need any medicine. I'm not sick.

MOM: Well when you need medicine for your (dramatic pause) COLD, let me know.

On Monday morning, I was getting ready for school, minding my own business and eating the citrus fruit my mother gave me to help my non-existent cold, when my nose started to bleed.

This happens on a regular basis because my nose hates me. Usually I get nosebleeds when I'm under a lot of metaphorical pressure, literal water or air pressure, or after I've had a sinus infection (which also happens a lot because my sinuses also hate me).

Sometimes, however, I get nosebleeds for no reason, like the one I got at Etch-a-Sketch's place several weeks ago. We were just sitting on her couch, watching Fraggle Rock, when my nose started gushing like an insincere woman. I got blood all over the bathroom sink and had to pull the kitchen garbage can next to me to better dispose of the box of tissues I was going through at a rapid pace. Etch-a-Sketch and Mr. Etch-a-Sketch had bought this box of tissues with their hard-earned newlywed money. In other circumstances it probably would have lasted them the rest of the summer.

This is what happens when I leave the house. People get bankrupted.

On Monday my nose was all bleeding and it was a problem because I had to get to school. I hung out in the bathroom for a while, trying to get the nosebleed to stop with the use of many tissues and pinching but not tipping my head back because that just drains the blood into the throat and who wants to drown in their own blood? Not me.

My mother heard me sniffing from the other room. "Do you want some medicine for your...COLD?"

"I don't have a cold!" I managed to gasp-shriek between torrents. I dared to pull the tissue away from my face to check if it was working. It wasn't. A cascade of blood cascaded upon me.

Did I mention that I was wearing a white shirt?

With fifteen minutes left until I had to leave for the bus, I gave up on stopping the blood. One hand clamped firmly over my nose, I used my other hand to finish getting dressed, brush my teeth, and do my hair and makeup.

It was not a very successful venture. For one thing, it was too hard to put on my jeans one-handed, so I put on a pair of shorts instead. Socks and sneakers also proved most difficult and I slipped my feet into a pair of sandals in lieu.

The nosebleed slowed enough for me to drive to my bus stop, and soon it stopped as suddenly as it had started. I was left a wreck, with blood all over my person.

I was also left to discover that it was chilly outside. My oh-so-convenient shorts and sandals suddenly became less convenient as my knees knocked together. The temperature traveled through my feet and my legs to settle somewhere in my core.

Now I have a cold.