Lost Vegas

Most people go to Vegas to party.

I go to Vegas to-

Well, to nothing. Sometimes I just happen to go to Las Vegas.

I stopped by Las Vegas twice on the way to California for high school band trips. One year Mr. Kermit, bless his heart, thought it would be fun for the tour bus to stop in Vegas really late at night/really early in the morning so we could eat at a breakfast buffet. However, a suitable place could not be found. Thus I never ate breakfast in Las Vegas really late at night/really early in the morning. Instead we ate breakfast in California. I had ice cream.

My family also usually stops by Las Vegas when we visit our grandparents, as we did the spring break of my first-grade year. On the way home, we spent an evening in this super tall Vegas hotel that had all these bright lights on the outside. Also, there were a bunch of statues of Middle Eastern-looking people out front. I assumed they were the three wisemen. Even though it wasn't Christmas. And there more than three. And I think some of them were women.

...well it seemed like a logical assumption at the time.

As soon as we got to the hotel, I had to go to the bathroom. I sat myself down on the toilet seat aaaaand the fire alarm went off.

Hurriedly I pulled my pants on. Then I grabbed my new stuffed elephant keychain even though I knew you're supposed to leave everything behind when the fire alarm goes off. However, my keychain and I had been together for all of three days and I loved it soooo much. I had to take it with me. Just like I had to take my coat, laptop, and backpack with me when the fire alarm at Nameless Utah College's student building went off last week. And like I would gather all of my Beanie Babies, books, and Harry Potter merchandise if my room ever caught on fire.

Undoubtedly I would die. But at least I would die in the presence of my beloved possessions. That is the American way.

I didn't die in the tall Vegas hotel fire (surprise!) because there was no fire. It was a false alarm. Of course we didn't learn that until after we walked down, like, a marathon's worth of stairs. X number of years later, my legs still muscle spasm at the memory.

The longest I've ever stayed in Las Vegas was a week or so for an Obnoxious family reunion. On the last night of the reunion, we had a party at a recreation center some blocks away from our hotel.

Dad got food poisoning shortly before the party. Mom, who had no idea where the rec center was but who was determined to go to the party, had him write down directions for her. Then she shepherded her five children into our Mormon Assault Vehicle. (Five children, not six, because Baby Brother was in gestation at the time. His impending arrival was the reason we'd bought the Mormon Assault Vehicle in the first place. Six kids is too many for a minivan. FYI. You can tuck that useless bit of information into the back of your brain and cherish it.)

The party was lovely. There were leis and waterslides and a snow cone machine. Soon we headed back to the hotel.

Except not really.

Because Mom took a wrong turn.

And soon we were LOST.

Mom pulled our Mormon Assault Vehicle over at a seedy gas station so she could call Dad. It was getting late. It was dark. There were strange people about.

This is a good time to explain that Older Sister has always loved theatre. In fact, she was the one who got the rest of us younger siblings involved in that particular institution.

Why does Older Sister love the theatre? Because Older Sister is dramatic.

OLDER SISTER: (to us younger siblings) Why aren't you guys more upset?

YOUNGER SIBLINGS: Should we be upset?

OLDER SISTER: Yes.

YOUNGER SIBLINGS: Why?

OLDER SISTER: BECAUSE WE'RE LOST IN THE TRASHY DANGEROUS CITY OF LAS VEGAS!

YOUNGER SIBLINGS: Gasp!

OLDER SISTER: WE ARE LOST, AND WE ARE STUCK AT THIS SEEDY GAS STATION. AND IT'S DARK. STRANGE PEOPLE ARE ABOUT.

YOUNGER SIBLINGS: Oh!

OLDER SISTER: WE ARE ONLY FIVE CHILDREN. ALONE WITH OUR PREGNANT MOTHER.

YOUNGER SIBLINGS: Aaah!

OLDER SISTER: WE ARE GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!

YOUNGER SIBLINGS: (panic)

Had my Beanie Babies and Harry Potter merchandise been in the Mormon Assault Vehicle with us, I would have immediately started amassing them.