Something That I Want

Last Christmas, Baby Brother and I were making lists to send to Santa. Baby Brother wrote a long list of toys that he wanted.

I wrote a long list, too. Just a list of stuff that I decided that I wanted and was now going to ask for.

It sounds like a fairly simple task, but not everybody can write a list like that. I know lots of people who struggle with indecision.

In some cases, people just plain don't know what they want. They wake up in the morning and don't know whether they want to wear the red shirt or the blue one. They can't make a decision.

In other cases, people know what they want. They definitely, absolutely want to wear the red shirt. However, they're afraid to exclude their other choices. The power of actually saying, "I like this red shirt better than the other shirts!" scares them. They won't make a decision.

In a similar but slightly different case, people know what they want but worry what will happen once they make the choice. If they choose to wear the red shirt today--well, what if a charging bull gets loose? When a charging bull is loose, it's a better idea to wear a blue shirt than a red one, right?

Maybe so. But it's not possible to know ahead of time if a charging bull is going to get loose (unless you live in Pamplona). So they won't choose the red shirt but they won't let it go, either, because they know it's the shirt they actually desire to wear. They tie their own hands and don't make a decision.

I'm not one of the above types of people. Not that I never experience indecisiveness. Of course I get indecisive. I'm human. However, I've been blessed with the trait of knowing what I want more often than not.

Nine times out of ten, I recognize when I want to wear the red shirt. I'm usually not afraid to commit to it and exclude all other possible shirts. I know that a bull might get loose, but I consider the joy of wearing the red shirt worth the risk. And if a bull does get loose, well, I get chased. Getting chased by a bull is just a part of life.

(This may be a good time to emphasize that I'm speaking metaphorically.)

The downside of being so decisive is that sometimes I choose a red shirt. But the red shirt doesn't choose me back. Or there are only blue shirts in the closet. Or a space ninja wrenches the red shirt from my hands and destroys it with lasers before I even get a chance to wear it (still speaking metaphorically). And then I can't have the red shirt. I have to try to want one of the blue shirts that I didn't choose. This doesn't always work so well.

Baby Brother is also blessed with the trait of knowing what he wants. When we finished our Christmas lists, he showed me his and told me about every toy. The ones that made his eyes light up in excitement were the high-end, really cool, really expensive ones.

"Um," I said when he was done talking.

"I know I won't get any of the expensive ones," he said quickly, his face falling. "Maybe I'll just erase them." He turned his pencil upside-down.

"No, don't." I felt a little pang. Baby Brother was too young to have his red shirt destroyed by space ninjas with lasers (metaphors. Still using 'em). "You should leave them."

"But-"

"Hey. This is just a list of stuff we want. It doesn't have to be stuff we actually get."

In the end, he left his list as it was. And he giggled his little head off when I added "a pony," "a unicorn," and "the Castello di Avio," to mine.

I don't always get the red shirt that I want. Or the expensive toys or the pony or the unicorn or the Castello di Avio. In fact, mostly I have to make do with blue shirts.

But still I let myself want that red shirt.

Because hey. You just never know.