The link was to an article that says Disney is filming a sequel to their amazing movie Enchanted. And the all-caps text was as follows.
Little Sister: WE ALREADY MADE THIS MOVIE
Little Sister: WE SHOULD HAVE COPYRIGHTED IT OR SOMETHING
Because, you see, the article said that this sequel is rumored to be called Disenchanted. But guess what? Several years ago, my younger siblings and I made a parody of Enchanted. And guess what we called it?
You guessed it.
So something is rotten in the state of Denmark. 'Cause it's possible that Disney is taking credit for our brilliant idea of a movie.
But. Let me tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm going to describe to you our beautiful movie Disenchanted. And then if Disney's Disenchanted is anything like our Disenchanted, you can help stand up for truth and justice and independent filmmakers who are also children.
Our story begins with the Fairy Godchild Princess (Baby Sister). The FGP opens up a storybook and introduces us to a picture of Lizelia. She tells us important things about Lizelia, like that Lizelia loves all bugs and animals. Also that Lizelia is engaged to Prince Sam, but Prince Sam was recently turned into a troll. Nobody ever explains how this happened.
It's important to note that Baby Brother was still toddler age when we filmed Disenchanted. He was assigned the role of Prince Sam the troll. However, toddlers are known to struggle with certain aspects of filmmaking, particularly the concept that they don't get to be in every shot. Whenever we tried to keep Baby Brother behind the camera, he would scream and cry and make it impossible for the camera to pick up on what the actors were saying. Therefore, we allowed him to wander freely in front of the camera, even during scenes that he wasn't supposed to be in.
So while Baby Sister aka the FGP is doing all this narration, Baby Brother aka Sam the Troll is talking over her and asking questions in his high-pitched toddler voice.
The camera next turns to Lizelia, who is an American Girl Doll voiced by Little Sister. Little Sister tells her animal friends how sad she is.
LIZELIA: I'm sad because my prince is a troll, and he's rude now.
Please note that Little Brother is audibly whispering Little Sister's lines to her from offscreen.
Lizelia inexplicably decides to climb on a windowsill. She even more inexplicably falls off. And then the most inexplicable thing of all happens: all her animal friends decide to jump off the windowsill after her.
This chain of poor decision-making leads Lizelia and her animal friends to land in a hotel room in Los Angeles, which is apparently what happens when you fall off a windowsill in fairytale world. Lizelia, now a human played by Little Sister, is so confused by this that she decides to take a nap on the floor.
While Lizelia is napping, Sam the troll once again walks into a shot that he is not supposed to be a part of. Lizelia wakes up long enough to exclaim that she misses Sam so much that sometimes she imagines that he is near her even when he is not.
Frederick von Hoozer Howzer, played by Awkward Mormon Girl, arrives home to discover that there is a strange girl in his hotel room. He makes an appropriate expression of surprise.
FREDERICK: Well, hay the horses!
Frederick and Lizelia have a conversation, during which it becomes apparent that Lizelia doesn't understand anything, including how to pronounce people's last names.
LIZELIA: Please to meet you, Frederick von Hoozer Howzer! Or is it Howzer Hoozer?
Lizelia explains the situation to Frederick, who gives another appropriate expression of surprise.
FREDERICK: Well, ain't that the darndest thing I ever heard!
He tells Lizelia where she is.
FREDERICK: You're in Cal-i-for-ni-ay!
LIZELIA: Oh. Can I eat California?
FREDERICK: Well, you could, but you'd have a mighty big stomachache after!
Frederick decides that there's no harm in letting a strange, naive girl stay in his hotel room, and the next scene is Lizelia waking up on Frederick's couch the next day. She decides that she needs to sew herself new clothes.
LIZELIA: It's highly not fashionable to wear this your whole lifetime in California.
After she sews new clothes out of couch covers and a tablecloth (which takes literally twenty seconds because she just touches them and says, "Sew sew sew!) she decides to clean Frederick's hotel room.
The next ten or so minutes is a dance scene with shaky cam while Lizelia cleans the hotel room with the help of the animals. This scene is notable for Little Brother shouted lyrics about cleanliness over other, popular songs that are playing in the CD player. It is also notable because towards the end of the scene, I realized that if we turned the camera off and on in a certain way, we could make people and objects disappear and reappear at will.
We used this new device judiciously and frugally to allow for maximum effect each time it was used.
Just kidding. We used the heck out of our new trick.
First Lizelia's animal friends disappear. Then Frederick says that he has to get to work and disappears also.
After the second of 10,000,678 costume changes she will undergo during this movie, Lizelia decides to try disappearing also.
LIZELIA: I'M GOING TO LEAVE NOW.
Nothing happens.
LIZELIA: (throws her arms up in the air) Poof! Poof! It's not working!
Leaving Lizelia alone with her struggle, we travel back to the fairytale world, where Prince Sam the troll is busy admiring himself upside-down in the mirror.
As you may have guessed from his inability to stay out of a shot, the toddler Baby Brother really enjoyed being filmed by others. However, his real love was to be given the video camera, flip the lense, and video himself. This resulted in an upside-down picture, but the kid didn't care whatsoever.
So to simulate Prince Sam looking at himself in the mirror, we let Baby Brother video his own face with the camera while we fed him his lines from offscreen.
ONE OF THE SIBLINGS: Say, "Ee-ee-ee! I'm so pretty!"
SAM:(accidentally moves the camera so that it's only videoing half of his face) Oh! I have one eye!
SAM:(accidentally moves camera again) I have two eyes! (moves it once more) ...I have one eye again.
Eventually, we got him to say the lines we wanted.
SAM: Lookit my farkly blue ice! Lookit my furly little teef!
(Translation: Look at my sparkly blue eyes! Look at my pearly little teeth!)
Cut to Sam sitting on a couch.
SAM: Prince Joe! Tum here!
Prince Joe (Little Brother), Sam's best friend and the FGP's betrothed, arrives with much fanfare.
JOE: (sings) I'm Prince Joe! La la la la la! I'm not the princess, I'm not the king! No queen no no no!
Sam asks Joe to go find Lizelia and take care of her in between now and the wedding. So Joe, with zero effort, disappears and reappears in Frederick's hotel room in Los Angeles.
So far, everything's going swimmingly, which is why it's time to introduce a villain played by Baby Sister. Our next cut takes us to Sam's mother, Queen Twre, otherwise known as the witch.
The witch's costume consists of a blanket that Baby Sister threw over her FGP costume and pulled over her head to create a kind of cloak.
WITCH: I'm Queen Twre, and I won't let anyone get in my way, especially my little troll son!
The witch monologues about her motives and plots. She doesn't want Sam to be king, but she especially doesn't want him to marry Lizelia. So she decides the best course of action will be to turn Lizelia into a mermaid.
Meanwhile, Joe tells Lizelia that he will
Joe, Lizelia, and Sam ("I imagine Sam here with me all the time. But he's not really here; I just imagine him.") go on a picnic. Other than the fact that Lizelia tries to eat Joe's pen, it's a pretty uneventful meal until the witch shows up in disguise and offers Lizelia a soda.
Lizelia decides to drink the soda offered her by a complete stranger. But the soda, which is supposed to turn Lizelia into a mermaid, doesn't work.
The witch poofs in and says, "It didn't work!" She then proceeds to hatch a new plan. She starts singing, but then remembers how much she hates singing, and ends by singing a song that goes thusly, "I don't like singing! I don't like singing!"
The witch isn't the only person who hates singing. Suddenly, we cut to the Fairy Godchild Princess, the narrator at the beginning of the movie, to find out what's going on with her life. Voiceover tells us that everyone in the FGP's kingdom likes to sing, but that the FGP hates that stuff. She prefers to dance.
VOICEOVER: Until one day...
I should explain that, during this time of their lives, Baby Sister and Little Sister were in an obscure children's musical. Baby Sister, really, really wanted to sing one of the songs from that show in this movie. So much that she decided to sing it even though it added zero plot points.
FGP: (sings) IIIIIII... I feel a song coming on... and it's a magorious, something and glorious...
Please note that Baby Sister did not actually know the words.
At this point, Little Sister decided to create a new character. So she wrapped a blanket around her waist to make a costume for a new character and hopped in front of the camera, pretending to be a lady-in-waiting.
LADY-IN-WAITING: (sings) We, we feel a song coming on!
FGP, who does not want to sing with the lady-in-waiting, stops singing. They embrace and then poof out of the frame.
Next, the camera focuses on the front door. A lady wearing a blue bathrobe, chewing gum, and carrying a shopping bag walks in. The cameraperson remarks that this woman is not supposed to be on. The witch is supposed to be on!
The lady in the blue bathrobe remarks that she is the witch; she just changed and went shopping. She tells the cameraperson to follow her into the bathroom because she wants to show them something. Sure enough, she gives a lengthy exposition about her new plan and shows how she is poisoning the apple she just bought from the store. She seems very pleased with herself.
WITCH: Don't laugh at my gum!
She starts to sing and dance about the gum but then she remembers how much she hates singing and dancing.
Meanwhile, Lizelia decides to pass the time by doing crafts. She decides to make a model of a prince. However, she runs out of craft supplies partway through, so she cups her hands around her mouth and yells, "Frederick!"
Apparently that's Frederick's bat signal or something, because he immediately poofs in and yells, "Whaa-aat?"
He agrees to go in search of new craft supplies. He poofs in and out of the hotel room several times, bringing such things as crumpled paper, a hairbrush, a noisemaker, a pink bathrobe, and some marbles.
Even though Lizelia's betrothed, Sam, has blue eyes, she chooses to use brown marbles for her model prince's eyes. Guess who has brown eyes? Joe. DUN DUN DUN.
We move away from Lizelia's crafts to the scheme of the witch. She poofs in and comments on Frederick's pink bathrobe.
WITCH: I wonder... Frederick!
FREDERICK: Whaa-aat?
The pink bathrobe poofs onto the witch. The witch celebrates by dancing and singing about how much she hates bathrobes before disappearing.
Frederick, however, is much less jubilant. He vows that he will be avenged.
FREDERICK: I will get my bathrobe BAAACK!
Meanwhile, Sam calls Joe and asks him to take Lizelia to the ball.
JOE: Okay, Sammy! Whoo!
Out of spite, the witch destroys the prince statue that Lizelia made.
WITCH: (to the camera) Do you like my pink bathrobe? It is hot.
Things are finally going well for the witch. She is so jubilant that she decides to mess with the FGP by sending her to California for the ball. The witch's spell sends not only the FGP but also her hopping lady-in-waiting to California.
WITCH: I am going for the best person who wears bathrobes, even when she goes shopping.
The FGP appears in Frederick's hotel room.
FREDERICK: Well, hay the horses!
The FGP tries to tell her story to Frederick, but Frederick tells her that he's had enough of fairytale girls appearing in his hotel room. He disappears. From off-camera, Little Brother whispers, "Say, 'People come and go so quickly here.'"
FGP: ...People come and go so quickly here!
Joe tells Lizelia that they will go to the ball, where they will meet Sam. Then Sam and Lizelia can be married.
Lizelia is conflicted about this, but there's one thing that she's sure about.
LIZELIA: Just one minute... just one second... Frederick!
FREDERICK: Whaa-aat?
Lizelia invites him to the ball. First, though, she has to change her outfit, as usual.
Lizelia goes in and out of the front door, coming back with a different outfit each time while the camerperson (currently Baby Sister) comments on it.
BABY SISTER: I don't think so. Get. Back. To the mall. Mm-hmm.
Lizelia even tries on the pink bathrobe that the witch stole from Frederick.
BABY SISTER: What does the witch look like? Is she wearing anything?
Finally, Lizelia emerges wearing a beautiful red-and-gold ball gown. She's ready for the ball!
All the characters go to the ball. Lizelia dances with her betrothed, Sam, even though it is clear that she is totes in love with Joe.
Because the ball scene was done on a budget of negative dollars, it consists of me placing the camera at a stationary vantage point to video the dancing characters while I bang out a few songs over and over again on the piano.
We then go to Sam, who has left the ball to enjoy looking at himself upside-down in the mirror. He makes faces at himself and won't dance with Lizelia. She begs him to come back to the party.
SAM: (looks at Lizelia) Who are you?
This was not the line we kept telling him to say, but 'twas effective nonetheless.
Though hurt and offended, Lizelia finally gets Sam to dance with her. And while they're dancing, she sings a little song of Little Brother's invention.
LIZELIA: (sings) I don't know where I am. And now that I'm rescued by Sam, I don't want to go. Oh don't you know? I want to stay with Joe...forever,
Joe overhears Lizelia singing, and he stands there stricken. Like he's just had a heart attack or something.
Remember that song that Baby Sister wanted to sing? Well, she was ticked off with Little Sister for interrupting her earlier. Therefore she stopped the progress of the entire movie so that she could sing the song again.
FGP: (sings) IIIIIII... I feel a song coming on...
And this time, when Little Sister tries to upstage her, Baby Sister full-on slaps her.
Once that's done, the ball is over and it's time for Sam and Lizelia to go get married. Sam declares that he will go call a carriage.
SAM: I just walk down the stairs and I sall a sarriage!
While Lizelia waits for Sam, the witch pops in behind her. She offers Lizelia the poisoned apple.
WITCH: Eat it or wear it!
Lizelia looks at the camera in panic. Little did we know that Little Sister was afraid to bite into the apple because of her braces. And since Lizelia won't bite the apple, the witch just keeps talking. And talking.
WITCH: Taste it, or else I shall make you eat it more and then you'll die quicker!
LIZELIA: ...what?
WITCH: Just forget about that.
She tells Lizelia that the apple is special and that eating it will take her to a better world and a new life where Lizelia can fix her mistakes and find a better prince.
After the much-prolonged scene, Lizelia bites the apple and then collapses.
Joe and Sam rush to Lizelia's aid. Joe remarks that true love's kiss is the most powerful thing in the world. First Sam kisses Lizelia, but she doesn't wake. So then Joe kisses her, and she does wake. Joe is Lizelia's true love!
The witch, of course, is mad that she lost. She says she has the perfect solution! She turns into a snake, then a lizard, then a dragon. However, nobody seems to notice.
WITCH: It's not working!
So in the end, the witch just turns back into herself.
WITCH: Don't I look so much beautifuller than those other things? Look at my gorgeous legs!
It would seem that Sam comes by his self-centeredness honestly.
Speaking of Sam, now that Lizelia and Joe are together, that leaves the FGP and Sam without anyone. They get into conversation, and the FGP offers to use her magic to turn Sam back from a troll into a normal prince.
The FGP comments that now Sam is a prince!
SAM: And you turned into a frincess!
FGP: I already was a princess.
She begins to sing a song of true love to Sam, but he ignores her.
SAM: You're a frincess now!
Finally, the FGP gets him to pay attention to her long enough for them to sing together and kiss.
That leaves just one loose end to tie up. The witch poofs away to mourn her failure.
WITCH: I am sad and in doom!
Then Frederick poofs in and challenges her to a duel. Thus the battle for the pink bathrobe begins.
After a very cool battle with many visual effect, Frederick wins.
FREDERICK: I claim this land for Cal-i-for-ni-ay, and you know what that means, sister!
The bathrobe appears back on Frederick. The characters gather and exclaim that now they can have a happy ending!
Everyone poofs away, leaving Lizelia alone.
LIZELIA: Poof! Poof!
Nothing happens.
LIZELIA: This is so not a happy ending.
Then Sam appears with a sign that says, "The End."
Then we cut to the FGP, closing the book that she was reading out of at the beginning of the movie.
FGP: And that's the end!
Little Brother puts another sign in front of the camera.
LITTLE BROTHER: (from offscreen) The end! (flips sign) And the end.
So there you have it, folks. Disenchanted. Now, the Disney movie will likely not come out for a few years. But when it does, all y'all can be my witnesses that we created this movie long before Disney ever did. And if their version includes any of the elements from the movie above, such as magically disappearing or reappearing or toddler actors or pink bathrobes, then you can be witnesses in our lawsuit. I'm thinking we'd settle for our names in the credits, five percent of the movie's earnings, and a signed cardboard cutout of James Marsden.
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