In Which I Do Not Keep the Doctor Away

Doctors are expensive, so in the Obnoxious family, we try to avoid them. There are only a few reasons why I would go to a doctor:

1. If I have scheduled a checkup
2. If I need a prescription or some other treatment otherwise unattainable without a doctor's help
3. If I have an unknown ailment
4. If it's an emergency
5. If I'm dying*

*You might think that dying is an emergency, but that really depends. If I started dying at an awkward pool party that I found dreadful, that would be an emergency. If I started dying while reading an excellent book, then it could certainly wait until after I'd finished the chapter.

This year, I was struck with a case of #3. For about two months, I was dizzy and got a migraine or an aura almost every day.

I've had migraines on and off for a few years. Sometimes, I get several close together within a short period of time and then don't have any for months. Getting migraines a few days in a row was unpleasant, but not alarming. Well, not alarming aside from the usual numbness in my face and hands and the loss of motor and cognitive control, that is. I chalked it up to a bad few days and thought nothing of it. But the bad few days didn't go away. They turned into a bad few weeks, and then gradually what was once a bad day became the norm.

I did what I could. I tried to go to bed earlier and sleep longer. I consumed more peanut butter, red meat, and spinach to ward off anemia. Nothing worked.

Eventually, the doctor was called. Well, technically she was a physician's assistant, not a doctor. Either way, I sought medical help.

The physician's assistant checked my weight, my blood pressure, and my heart rate. She listened to my lungs and tested my reflexes. She told me that I seemed super healthy, but she took blood. The blood would be sent to the labs. The labs would look for anemia, thyroid problems, and cholesterol issues. To be clear, the physician's assistant didn't believe my problems were related to cholesterol. I'd just never had my cholesterol tested, and it seemed needful.

I went home. And I waited. And a few days later, I got a call.

They had my labs back. And, the lady on the phone said, they had "some information" for me.

Some information?

What did that mean?

I had slight anemia before. That didn't worry me.

I had thyroid problems when I was a baby, thyroid problems that miraculously disappeared with the prayer and faith of family and friends. That worried me a little.

I had a family history of high cholesterol on my dad's side. That worried me a lot. High cholesterol is manageable, but you have to really watch your diet. One of the few things I look forward to every day is eating a delicious meal. Most delicious meals are not good for people with high cholesterol. Having high cholesterol would ruin the simple pleasure of eating.

I called the office. They put me on hold. After several minutes, they told me that the physician's assistant couldn't talk to me right then.

I started to panic a little. Why couldn't the lab person just give me my results? Was something wrong? So wrong that only the physician's assistant could tell me about it?

It was the middle of the work day. I was at my desk. I tried to work, but I couldn't concentrate. My thoughts were racing at a frenzied pace. What if-? What if-?What if-?

Also, an assistant was walking past my desk with boxes of gourmet cookies for other people's meetings.

I started to pray.

AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: Heavenly Father, I just want everything to be okay. Please let everything be okay.

AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: Also, I wish someone would give me one of those cookies.

A few hours later, I called...again. I was placed on hold...again. This time, however, the physician's assistant actually came to the phone.

PHYSICIAN'S ASSISTANT: Everything looks completely normal!

I hung up, completely relieved. Everything looked completely normal!

I still didn't know what was causing my migraines. But at least I wouldn't have to watch what I ate every day.

AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: Thank you, Heavenly Father.

A coworker came up to my desk, carrying the gourmet cookies.

COWORKER: Would you like a cookie?