Living with Suicide

Sometimes at a choir concert or at a musical, I see Lydia's brown hair or hear her voice ringing out in the theatre.

"I should go over and say hello," I think. "It's been a while."

But then I see that the sensible hair is the obligatory post-wedding haircut of a college bride. I match up the voice with some gray grandmother in a purple plush jacket. And then I remember.

Lydia killed herself.

This is what the LDS church believes about suicide. It's a message of hope, not despair: suicide surely is a sin, but the Lord is merciful. He will judge these people fairly and pay attention to all parts of their lives, not just how it ended. I'm not too worried about what happens to people who kill themselves. They're with God now, and I have full faith in Him.

What I am worried about is the people who get left behind.

Suicide is selfish that way. It's the non-gift that just keeps on giving. The person who commits the suicide hurts so many, many people, but then doesn't even have to live with it. The people who have to live with it are completely innocent. They're victims. And now they have this terrible burden that has the potential to drag them, too, to the edge of an abyss.

What are the emotions that come with this burden? There's sadness. There's guilt, hurt, and anger. There's darkness. Some people would say darkness isn't an emotion, but I disagree. Darkness is one of the most powerful negative emotions a person can experience.

So you have this burden, and you're suffering, big-time. You want to keep on going, but it's hard. How do you deal?

In all reality, probably you eat a lot of ice cream. You go to counseling. You have a few breakdowns, maybe end up in a mental hospital. If you're lucky you stay alive. If you're not, you go off the deep end too and suicide is non-gifted to all the people in your life. Some of whom were also in the life of the first person to commit suicide. How do they deal?

Therapy and self-help books and maybe some meditation. Hypnotism and extreme sports and perhaps medication. Alcohol. Drugs. Escapism. If they don't end up killing themselves too, they'll probably turn out terribly broken people in some way or another.

Unless they learn to give their sadness, their guilt, their hurt, their anger, their darkness and suffering... away.

You may think that it's stupid for me to say that we should give our suffering away. Wouldn't everyone give their problems away if they could? Well, yeah, you'd think so. But at the same time... have you ever had a conversation with yourself like this?

YOU: I am feeling in pain right now. I am in a lot of pain.

PAIN: You're in a lot of me!

YOU: Yes I am. And I hate you.

PAIN: Then why don't you get rid of me?

YOU: Good point. How do I do that?

PAIN: By feeling something else.

YOU: Like what?

PAIN: Anything else, really.

YOU: But... if it's anything else, then... that means it's unknown!

PAIN: Well, yeah.

YOU: Then forget it. If I don't know what I'm going to feel when I let go of my pain, I don't even want to try. At least I know what pain is. I hate it, but it's familiar.

PAIN: I was hoping you would say that! *settles in for a long, long nap*

Sometimes getting rid of pain takes a lot more effort than we're willing to give. Plus it's scary, especially since we can't guarantee what will happen next.

Or can we?

When I give my pain away, I give it to the Master, Jesus Christ. He lived and died and lived again and made things that seem impossible (like getting rid of pain) a reality for everyone. Now, when I give my pain to Him, I don't know what's going to happen or what I might feel next. Sometimes I feel happy. Sometimes I feel exposed, stripped to the bone and vulnerable. Sometimes I feel a new and different type of pain that I then have to learn how to give away as well. But no matter what else I feel, I always, always feel peace, and always, always feel an assurance that someday, somehow, everything is just going to be okay.

Lydia's memory may haunt me for a while yet. Probably she will always leave a shadow on her family. And even though that's not ideal, it can be survived. With Him, a person can learn to live with any struggle. Even suicide.