World's Most Contrived

I broke a world record today.

What? Oh, you don't believe me? Well then, let me show it to you my way.

See, today when I got home from school I saw a pamphlet for Scholastic book orders sitting on the kitchen counter. Now, let me just say, book orders are one of the best things invented. There's nothing quite like ordering a book and then having it delivered to you all nicely shrink-wrapped a few weeks later. Then you get to take it home in your backpack and read it in one sitting. If it's Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, you end up sobbing at the foot of your bunk bed because you think that Ginny is dead and gone forever and now she and Harry will never marry and have three children.

That was a traumatic moment in my life.

Another, less-traumatic and in fact actually very awesome moment in my life was when I saw the book order pamphlet on the counter. There was this little blurb about a Guinness Book of World Record thing with space to write your own personal records.

At first I was like, "Oh, that's stupid. Writing your own personal records next to actual world records would just be depressing and show you you're a loser because you've never broken a world record."

And then I was like, "Wait. Every time someone breaks a personal record... they're doing something they've never done before."

And then I was all, "They've never done it before... which means it's never been done by them. At all."

And then I was like, "Which means it's something completely new to the world. Which makes it a WORLD RECORD!"

And THEN I was like, "Yeah! Fist bump!" And I fist bumped myself. And it was sad.

BUT. I've broken a ton of world records this week!

World Record for Number of Trips to Target by Awkward Mormon Girl: Broken!

World Record for the Most Nutella Awkward Mormon Girl Has Consumed in One Sitting: Broken!

World Record for How Many Times Awkward Mormon Girl Has Offered to Exchange Her Blood for a Passing Grade: Broken. These things happen.

World Record for How Many Times This Offer Has Been Turned Down: Broken.

World Record for How Many Times Awkward Mormon Girl Has Breathed: BROKEN! And what's more, I keep breaking it! Every few seconds!

World Record for How Many Minutes Awkward Mormon Girl Has Been Alive: Broken soooo many times. I just can't stop.

World Record for Number of Posts About World Records On This Blog: Omigosh. Totes broken. Somebody give me a prize.