There's some fun Christmas stuff happening right now at mormon.org. For the past couple Christmases, my church has done a Christmas campaign. These campaigns remind people of the true meaning of Christmas, and they always involve an inspiring video (as seen on the website).
This year, the campaign is #LighttheWorld. This particular campaign involves more than just a video. It comes with a challenge: do 25 acts of service on December 1st through December 25th. That's one act of service every day. The service can be any kind of service, and it can be for anyone. However, if coming up with new things proves to be difficult, there are themed ideas posted on the website every day, idea that are drawn from various aspects of Christ's life.
I'm excited for this. What with my trip to Disneyland this month, completing an act of service every day might be a little difficult. Still I'm eager to try.
Anyways, this campaign's not just for LDS folk. It's for anyone who wants to join. So if you have an interest in serving in 25 ways over 25 days, do it with me! I think it will make this Christmas particularly memorable.
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
Story of My Life
As an LDS, I went to a class called seminary. As a young adult, I go to a class called institute.
Seminary has four years, one each for a different book of scripture (Old Testament (and Pearl of Great Price if I recall correctly), New Testament, Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants). Institute has endless years (until you graduate or get super old) and there are a variety of semester-long classes. Some focus on particular books of scripture, but some focus on only one thing: Christ, latter-day prophets, even dating and other relationships.
Throughout my years of classes, I've used the same set of scriptures. However, I've switched marking pencil colors throughout the years. Therefore, when I open up my scriptures at institute and see a marking, I can usually tell when it's from.
Today at institute, I found a highlighted verse, 1 Nephi 4:6. "And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do."
Next to it, in one of the marking pencils from my teenage years, I'd written this notation: "This is beginning to be my life's story..."
And next to that, in a marking pencil from my college years, I'd written, "Oh, teenage Awkward Mormon Girl, you have no idea."
Today, when I read those notes, I laughed. Because college Awkward Mormon Girl thought she was so much smarter than teenage Awkward Mormon Girl. But really, college Awkward Mormon Girl was only slightly less clueless than our teenage counterpart. That verse really has turned into the story of my life. That's all. The End. Go to institute. Good night.
Seminary has four years, one each for a different book of scripture (Old Testament (and Pearl of Great Price if I recall correctly), New Testament, Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants). Institute has endless years (until you graduate or get super old) and there are a variety of semester-long classes. Some focus on particular books of scripture, but some focus on only one thing: Christ, latter-day prophets, even dating and other relationships.
Throughout my years of classes, I've used the same set of scriptures. However, I've switched marking pencil colors throughout the years. Therefore, when I open up my scriptures at institute and see a marking, I can usually tell when it's from.
Today at institute, I found a highlighted verse, 1 Nephi 4:6. "And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do."
Next to it, in one of the marking pencils from my teenage years, I'd written this notation: "This is beginning to be my life's story..."
And next to that, in a marking pencil from my college years, I'd written, "Oh, teenage Awkward Mormon Girl, you have no idea."
Today, when I read those notes, I laughed. Because college Awkward Mormon Girl thought she was so much smarter than teenage Awkward Mormon Girl. But really, college Awkward Mormon Girl was only slightly less clueless than our teenage counterpart. That verse really has turned into the story of my life. That's all. The End. Go to institute. Good night.
Monday, November 28, 2016
The Grateful (Not-)Dead
We just had Thanksgiving, so it's time to talk about what we're grateful for! Which is very cliché, no? However, let's start off by talking about some not-grateful things first.
This isn't quite where I imagined being at this point in my life. I really did think that I'd be married by now and maybe have a kid. Now, I don't think that my value is defined by my ability to find a romantic relationship, but the fact of the matter stands that having a family is the most worthwhile thing I can of to do with my life. That's where the sadness at my current circumstances comes in.
Some months ago, it was my birthday. It just so happens that the Seamstress and I have birthdays on consecutive days. I proposed having a joint birthday open house. Not a party, mind you. I didn't want to have any planned activities. I just wanted to be free to talk to people and not have to worry about entertaining them. (Don't worry; we did provide dinner so that our friends got something out of it.) I invited all of my lifelong friends. Most of them were able to come.
At one point during this birthday open house, I paused and looked around at what was happening. There was the Seamstress; there was Pepper, each talking to different guests. A friend from our ward was coloring in coloring books with Etch-a-Sketch while Mr. Etch-a-Sketch tended to his and Etch-a-Sketch's infant. I was chatting with Best Friend Boy while La Petite, curled up around Mr. La Petite, was deep in conversation with Viola. Some of these people had hardly met each other before this evening, but all of them were joined by the common bond of caring about either the Seamstress or about me or about both.
In that moment, I had an epiphany. I have made a family of my own in my adult years. Not a biological family, no. But I have collected all of these people, and they make up an interim family to serve between stepping away from my parents' family and heading a family with my future husband. This interim family is one of the things that I'm most grateful for this year.
That really is cliché, I know! Yet it's also very true.
This isn't quite where I imagined being at this point in my life. I really did think that I'd be married by now and maybe have a kid. Now, I don't think that my value is defined by my ability to find a romantic relationship, but the fact of the matter stands that having a family is the most worthwhile thing I can of to do with my life. That's where the sadness at my current circumstances comes in.
Some months ago, it was my birthday. It just so happens that the Seamstress and I have birthdays on consecutive days. I proposed having a joint birthday open house. Not a party, mind you. I didn't want to have any planned activities. I just wanted to be free to talk to people and not have to worry about entertaining them. (Don't worry; we did provide dinner so that our friends got something out of it.) I invited all of my lifelong friends. Most of them were able to come.
At one point during this birthday open house, I paused and looked around at what was happening. There was the Seamstress; there was Pepper, each talking to different guests. A friend from our ward was coloring in coloring books with Etch-a-Sketch while Mr. Etch-a-Sketch tended to his and Etch-a-Sketch's infant. I was chatting with Best Friend Boy while La Petite, curled up around Mr. La Petite, was deep in conversation with Viola. Some of these people had hardly met each other before this evening, but all of them were joined by the common bond of caring about either the Seamstress or about me or about both.
In that moment, I had an epiphany. I have made a family of my own in my adult years. Not a biological family, no. But I have collected all of these people, and they make up an interim family to serve between stepping away from my parents' family and heading a family with my future husband. This interim family is one of the things that I'm most grateful for this year.
That really is cliché, I know! Yet it's also very true.
Wednesday, November 23, 2016
Pre-Thanksgiving Post
We're in that awkward stage of the year that happens after Halloween but before Thanksgiving. Pre-Thanksgiving, if you will. Let me tell you what has happened during pre-Thanksgiving.
First off, we had our first snow. Coincidentally, this was also the day Christmas music came on the radio (or not so coincidentally. Maybe the radio station planned it. Who knows?). In any case, everyone was way more prepared for this first snow than they were for the first snow last year. A few hours before it started snowing, Baby Sister and I went grocery shopping. There were plows driving around Hometown, ready to tackle the snow the instant it appeared. Sure enough, when I woke up the next morning, there were several inches of snow on my car, but there was no snow on the roads. Hooray and hallelu!
Secondly, Thanksgiving plans have been in order. I texted my mom to find out what my share of the dinner would be.
Third and lastly, I've been working. Except I tell you what, since Monday everyone at work has been a little antsy. We've been so anxious for the holidays that we're generally useless.
Last night, when I was finally, finally on my way home and trying to turn left on a busy street, I saw one of my coworkers standing on the curb like he was contemplating jaywalking.
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: If you try to cross this very busy street right now, I will hate you forever.
Sure enough, he ran across all four lanes of traffic as soon as the coast was clear. Now I hate him forever.
First off, we had our first snow. Coincidentally, this was also the day Christmas music came on the radio (or not so coincidentally. Maybe the radio station planned it. Who knows?). In any case, everyone was way more prepared for this first snow than they were for the first snow last year. A few hours before it started snowing, Baby Sister and I went grocery shopping. There were plows driving around Hometown, ready to tackle the snow the instant it appeared. Sure enough, when I woke up the next morning, there were several inches of snow on my car, but there was no snow on the roads. Hooray and hallelu!
Secondly, Thanksgiving plans have been in order. I texted my mom to find out what my share of the dinner would be.
Last night, when I was finally, finally on my way home and trying to turn left on a busy street, I saw one of my coworkers standing on the curb like he was contemplating jaywalking.
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: If you try to cross this very busy street right now, I will hate you forever.
Sure enough, he ran across all four lanes of traffic as soon as the coast was clear. Now I hate him forever.
Friday, November 18, 2016
Why I Shouldn't Be Allowed on Amazon
I recently did some extra work, for which I was paid entirely in Amazon gift cards.
I hate to spend money. I prefer to save it. So being presented with such a prodigious amount of money that I absolutely, positively, have to spend has been quite the experience.
I bought items to Disney bound as the sorcerer's apprentice at Disneyland. I bought Viola's birthday present and several Christmas presents. I bought a book that my ward book club is reading.
My mother had some suggestions on other things I should purchase. She pointed out that I needed new boots and, she said, a new jacket.
I definitely needed new boots, so I ordered some. I didn't really feel like I needed a new jacket, so somehow in my mind I replaced that word "new" with the word "patchwork." I could see how I might need a new, patchwork jacket.
And that, my friends, is the problem with having an excess of money that you absolutely have to spend. I decided it would be a good idea to buy this jacket.
I was sorely mistaken.
This jacket looks much better in pictures than it does in person. It looked perfect in all the pictures but it was something akin to a disaster when actually placed upon my person. I'm returning it tomorrow.
The moral of the story is that apparently I should not be allowed to have Amazon gift cards because this is the kind of thing I buy. Someone intervene before I continue along this vein and end up with a collection of the most absurd stuff.
I hate to spend money. I prefer to save it. So being presented with such a prodigious amount of money that I absolutely, positively, have to spend has been quite the experience.
I bought items to Disney bound as the sorcerer's apprentice at Disneyland. I bought Viola's birthday present and several Christmas presents. I bought a book that my ward book club is reading.
My mother had some suggestions on other things I should purchase. She pointed out that I needed new boots and, she said, a new jacket.
I definitely needed new boots, so I ordered some. I didn't really feel like I needed a new jacket, so somehow in my mind I replaced that word "new" with the word "patchwork." I could see how I might need a new, patchwork jacket.
And that, my friends, is the problem with having an excess of money that you absolutely have to spend. I decided it would be a good idea to buy this jacket.
This jacket looks much better in pictures than it does in person. It looked perfect in all the pictures but it was something akin to a disaster when actually placed upon my person. I'm returning it tomorrow.
The moral of the story is that apparently I should not be allowed to have Amazon gift cards because this is the kind of thing I buy. Someone intervene before I continue along this vein and end up with a collection of the most absurd stuff.
Wednesday, November 16, 2016
And My Next Destination Is...
...not New York City.
New York City is Little Sister's next destination. She and Rosebud are going to spend a few days with Older Sister and see some shows. I'm sad I won't be there with Little Sister, since we had such fun on our NYC trips together, but she's going to bring me back some macarons from Baked by Melissa so that will almost make it better. Plus, she won't even be there long enough to see the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, so how jealous of her can I really be?
No, my next destination is D to the I to the S-N-E-Y land!!!
I essentially told my roommates that I wanted to go to Disneyland and that they were welcome to come along but that I would be planning on vacationing in the frantic, frenetic Obnoxious family way. Surprisingly, they still wanted to come. The original idea was to go in September, but life got in the way. So I proposed that we go during December. Christmastime at Disneyland is amazing, and not too crowded. Plus, if we went early enough in December, kids would still be in school, which would mean that it would be even less crowded. Once I had explained just how magical it is, my roommates were keen on the idea.
Last month, I bought the plane tickets. It was a moment of celebration and jubilation because, now that our plane tickets were purchased, there was no going back! What had once only been talked about was now a reality.
The only problem was that there were three of us. Disneyland is best with even numbers. That way everyone can have a buddy on the rides.
Now, I don't know if I've conveyed this clearly before, but Little Brother. Loves. Disneyland. He was the one I consulted with as I planned the trip. When we were thinking of going in September, he told me all of the special attractions going on at that time. When the trip moved to December, he enthusiastically explained what he knew of the new Christmas World of Color attraction and told me what rides would be closed while I was there.
So, when I was later bemoaning the lack of a fourth person, my roommates asked if Little Brother might like to come. They even offered to help pay for Little Brother to come. That is the kind of love that Little Brother has for Disneyland. Other people actually want to pay for him to go to Disneyland because he loves it so much.
I said that the issue was not so much money; I might even be willing and able to pay for Little Brother to go if my parents couldn't. The real problem was that Little Brother would be in school during our trip, and it wouldn't be prudent for him to miss.
A few days later, I mentioned to my mom that my roommates had invited Little Brother on my trip. I mentioned it because I thought it was amusing, not because I thought there was any chance that he would be able to go. But Mom sort of stared off into the distance and got thoughtful.
"I might let him go," she said.
And a few days later, it was all settled. Mom and Dad would pay for Little Brother's Disneyland ticket and give him spending money, while I would pay for his plane ticket and let him stay in the hotel room for free. In trade-off, he would receive only small Christmas presents from me, the parents, and Santa on Christmas Day. Little Brother was over the moon, which is an expression that doesn't always make sense, but which totally worked in this situation. Little Brother was so happy he was practically floating, and it was not inconceivable that he could float right through the atmosphere and into outer space.
Actually, it would have been useful if he could have floated straight to Disneyland, because getting his ticket turned out to be a hassle.
I'd booked the tickets for myself, Pepper, and the Seamstress on Expedia. It was but the work of a moment to log on late one night and find the same flights we'd reserved. I then proceeded to book a ticket for Little Brother.
Except not really, because, as Expedia so graciously informed me, I couldn't book a ticket online for a minor flying solo.
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: He's not flying solo! He's flying with his sister and his sister's roommates.
But that didn't seem to matter to Expedia. So I did the thing I dread so much and called Expedia up. When I finally reached a human person, the thickly accented girl asked me for my name.
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: It's Awkward Mormon Girl.
EXPEDIA GIRL: Okay, Miss Awkward Mormon Girl. What can I do for you?
I explained that I needed to add a minor to my flight plans, but that I couldn't on Expedia's website.
EXPEDIA: Okay, Miss Awkward Mormon Girl, I completely understand that you want to take your child with you to California.
Normally I might have let that slide, but given that I was dealing with an airline who had all of my information and who would, if they were paying attention, quickly figure out that it was biologically impossible for me to be Little Brother's mother, I decided I'd better say something in the interest of transparency.
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: Oh, uh, I mean, you can probably see from my information you have pulled up there that I'm too young to—he's actually my brother.
After a very long and taxing conversation, I was informed that Expedia couldn't help me, but that if I called Delta directly, they could book Little Brother's ticket for me.
That led to another very long and taxing conversation.
DELTA GIRL: And which of the individuals in the flight plan will be bringing an infant?
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: Uh...so he's actually my brother.
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: And he's a teenager.
After quite a bit of back and forth, of being put on hold, and of being asked Little Brother's personal information such as name, birthdate, blood type, and Hogwarts house, I was finally able to purchase a ticket.
Before I hung up with Delta, a thought struck me.
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: And will this ticket be round trip, like mine?
DELTA GIRL: Your ticket's not round trip.
I quickly realized what was going on.
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: So you're telling me that because the return ticket I purchased through Expedia is with a different airline, I will have to call that different airline and book a separate return ticket for my brother?
DELTA GIRL: Yes.
If I were the fainting type, I probably would have fainted right then.
One more phone call and another half hour later, everything was finally in order. Not long after, Pepper booked the hotel. Then I booked the Disneyland tickets. All we need now is reservations for transportation to and from the airport, and we'll be all set! It's going to be magical.
New York City is Little Sister's next destination. She and Rosebud are going to spend a few days with Older Sister and see some shows. I'm sad I won't be there with Little Sister, since we had such fun on our NYC trips together, but she's going to bring me back some macarons from Baked by Melissa so that will almost make it better. Plus, she won't even be there long enough to see the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, so how jealous of her can I really be?
No, my next destination is D to the I to the S-N-E-Y land!!!
I essentially told my roommates that I wanted to go to Disneyland and that they were welcome to come along but that I would be planning on vacationing in the frantic, frenetic Obnoxious family way. Surprisingly, they still wanted to come. The original idea was to go in September, but life got in the way. So I proposed that we go during December. Christmastime at Disneyland is amazing, and not too crowded. Plus, if we went early enough in December, kids would still be in school, which would mean that it would be even less crowded. Once I had explained just how magical it is, my roommates were keen on the idea.
Last month, I bought the plane tickets. It was a moment of celebration and jubilation because, now that our plane tickets were purchased, there was no going back! What had once only been talked about was now a reality.
The only problem was that there were three of us. Disneyland is best with even numbers. That way everyone can have a buddy on the rides.
Now, I don't know if I've conveyed this clearly before, but Little Brother. Loves. Disneyland. He was the one I consulted with as I planned the trip. When we were thinking of going in September, he told me all of the special attractions going on at that time. When the trip moved to December, he enthusiastically explained what he knew of the new Christmas World of Color attraction and told me what rides would be closed while I was there.
So, when I was later bemoaning the lack of a fourth person, my roommates asked if Little Brother might like to come. They even offered to help pay for Little Brother to come. That is the kind of love that Little Brother has for Disneyland. Other people actually want to pay for him to go to Disneyland because he loves it so much.
I said that the issue was not so much money; I might even be willing and able to pay for Little Brother to go if my parents couldn't. The real problem was that Little Brother would be in school during our trip, and it wouldn't be prudent for him to miss.
A few days later, I mentioned to my mom that my roommates had invited Little Brother on my trip. I mentioned it because I thought it was amusing, not because I thought there was any chance that he would be able to go. But Mom sort of stared off into the distance and got thoughtful.
"I might let him go," she said.
And a few days later, it was all settled. Mom and Dad would pay for Little Brother's Disneyland ticket and give him spending money, while I would pay for his plane ticket and let him stay in the hotel room for free. In trade-off, he would receive only small Christmas presents from me, the parents, and Santa on Christmas Day. Little Brother was over the moon, which is an expression that doesn't always make sense, but which totally worked in this situation. Little Brother was so happy he was practically floating, and it was not inconceivable that he could float right through the atmosphere and into outer space.
Actually, it would have been useful if he could have floated straight to Disneyland, because getting his ticket turned out to be a hassle.
I'd booked the tickets for myself, Pepper, and the Seamstress on Expedia. It was but the work of a moment to log on late one night and find the same flights we'd reserved. I then proceeded to book a ticket for Little Brother.
Except not really, because, as Expedia so graciously informed me, I couldn't book a ticket online for a minor flying solo.
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: He's not flying solo! He's flying with his sister and his sister's roommates.
But that didn't seem to matter to Expedia. So I did the thing I dread so much and called Expedia up. When I finally reached a human person, the thickly accented girl asked me for my name.
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: It's Awkward Mormon Girl.
EXPEDIA GIRL: Okay, Miss Awkward Mormon Girl. What can I do for you?
I explained that I needed to add a minor to my flight plans, but that I couldn't on Expedia's website.
EXPEDIA: Okay, Miss Awkward Mormon Girl, I completely understand that you want to take your child with you to California.
Normally I might have let that slide, but given that I was dealing with an airline who had all of my information and who would, if they were paying attention, quickly figure out that it was biologically impossible for me to be Little Brother's mother, I decided I'd better say something in the interest of transparency.
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: Oh, uh, I mean, you can probably see from my information you have pulled up there that I'm too young to—he's actually my brother.
After a very long and taxing conversation, I was informed that Expedia couldn't help me, but that if I called Delta directly, they could book Little Brother's ticket for me.
That led to another very long and taxing conversation.
DELTA GIRL: And which of the individuals in the flight plan will be bringing an infant?
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: Uh...so he's actually my brother.
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: And he's a teenager.
After quite a bit of back and forth, of being put on hold, and of being asked Little Brother's personal information such as name, birthdate, blood type, and Hogwarts house, I was finally able to purchase a ticket.
Before I hung up with Delta, a thought struck me.
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: And will this ticket be round trip, like mine?
DELTA GIRL: Your ticket's not round trip.
I quickly realized what was going on.
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: So you're telling me that because the return ticket I purchased through Expedia is with a different airline, I will have to call that different airline and book a separate return ticket for my brother?
DELTA GIRL: Yes.
If I were the fainting type, I probably would have fainted right then.
One more phone call and another half hour later, everything was finally in order. Not long after, Pepper booked the hotel. Then I booked the Disneyland tickets. All we need now is reservations for transportation to and from the airport, and we'll be all set! It's going to be magical.
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
Heartbroken
Context: No, this isn't a post about the election. The only thing I have to say about the election is this: it reminded me of the series finale of The Legend of Korra. Leading up to the finale, I saw where things were headed, and even though I didn't like it, it at least made some sense. Then, when the finale actually happened, it was different than expected. I still didn't like it, but it didn't even make much sense. It was like some writer had panicked and thrown in some crazy stuff so that the ending was a surprise...and that's about how the election came across to me.
This post is actually about dating. I don't write much about specific dating experiences on my blog. Dating is hard enough without having your flaws deconstructed online by someone with whom you went on a date, am I right? However, it seemed appropriate to share the following experience...maybe because it's less about a fella's interactions with me and more about my own internal struggle.
I was heartbroken. Really, truly heartbroken. A guy I cared about had crushed my little heart. No, we weren't dating, but actual dating, I discovered, is not a necessary component of heartbreak. Even if a relationship doesn't actually happen, the strong feelings can still exist.
Immediately following this heartbreak, I went on a date with a guy from a family that is friends with my family. Soon we went on another date. And another...and another.
He was a nice guy. He was cute. He was fun. He was about to go out of state for college, but he hinted that if I gave him a reason to stay, he would stay.
He didn't have all of the qualities I wanted in a boyfriend, though, and so I wrestled with myself, wondering if the lack of those qualities was important enough to rule him out. Sometimes I thought yes. Sometimes I thought no.
The pressure to date him was strong. There was some pressure from my family and some pressure from my friends. They wanted me to be happy, and, on paper, this was the perfect opportunity. It did seem like the right ending to the way things had been going. Just picture it: brokenhearted girl is brokenhearted. Nice guy steps in. She should let nice guy heal and then win her heart, right? It would make sense. It would tie up the loose ends. But...I just couldn't go through with it.
I thought about it, and I prayed about it. I even flipped a coin repeatedly—not as a way to actually make the decision but as a way to figure out what I was actually feeling. I'd heard that when you flip a coin and pretend you'll go with the coin's decision, you'll know what you actually want based on the results. And, sure enough, every time the coin told me to date the fellow, I felt dread. But whenever it said, "Don't date him!" I felt relief.
Madam President even pointed out to me that whenever the guy who had broken my heart texted me, it made me happy, even when I was mad at him. "But when [the guy who wanted to date me] texts you, you never seem excited."
Eventually, I determined that the next time the guy asked me out, I'd say no. However, I think he could tell that I wasn't feeling it, because he never asked me out again. We went our separate ways, and a few months later, he met the girl he ended up marrying.
So that's my story of being heartbroken and of (possible) heartbreaking. I don't know why sometimes things that logically should work out don't feel right and don't turn out. Nor do I know why sometimes things that logically should never work do feel right and turn out. If you've been through one of those experiences and you're looking for someone to explain it to you, I'm sorry: I can't. But if you've been through one of those experiences and you're looking for someone to commiserate with you and say, "It's not fair," you've come to the right place. It isn't fair. Unfortunately, sometimes that's just the way things go.
This post is actually about dating. I don't write much about specific dating experiences on my blog. Dating is hard enough without having your flaws deconstructed online by someone with whom you went on a date, am I right? However, it seemed appropriate to share the following experience...maybe because it's less about a fella's interactions with me and more about my own internal struggle.
I was heartbroken. Really, truly heartbroken. A guy I cared about had crushed my little heart. No, we weren't dating, but actual dating, I discovered, is not a necessary component of heartbreak. Even if a relationship doesn't actually happen, the strong feelings can still exist.
Immediately following this heartbreak, I went on a date with a guy from a family that is friends with my family. Soon we went on another date. And another...and another.
He was a nice guy. He was cute. He was fun. He was about to go out of state for college, but he hinted that if I gave him a reason to stay, he would stay.
He didn't have all of the qualities I wanted in a boyfriend, though, and so I wrestled with myself, wondering if the lack of those qualities was important enough to rule him out. Sometimes I thought yes. Sometimes I thought no.
The pressure to date him was strong. There was some pressure from my family and some pressure from my friends. They wanted me to be happy, and, on paper, this was the perfect opportunity. It did seem like the right ending to the way things had been going. Just picture it: brokenhearted girl is brokenhearted. Nice guy steps in. She should let nice guy heal and then win her heart, right? It would make sense. It would tie up the loose ends. But...I just couldn't go through with it.
I thought about it, and I prayed about it. I even flipped a coin repeatedly—not as a way to actually make the decision but as a way to figure out what I was actually feeling. I'd heard that when you flip a coin and pretend you'll go with the coin's decision, you'll know what you actually want based on the results. And, sure enough, every time the coin told me to date the fellow, I felt dread. But whenever it said, "Don't date him!" I felt relief.
Madam President even pointed out to me that whenever the guy who had broken my heart texted me, it made me happy, even when I was mad at him. "But when [the guy who wanted to date me] texts you, you never seem excited."
Eventually, I determined that the next time the guy asked me out, I'd say no. However, I think he could tell that I wasn't feeling it, because he never asked me out again. We went our separate ways, and a few months later, he met the girl he ended up marrying.
So that's my story of being heartbroken and of (possible) heartbreaking. I don't know why sometimes things that logically should work out don't feel right and don't turn out. Nor do I know why sometimes things that logically should never work do feel right and turn out. If you've been through one of those experiences and you're looking for someone to explain it to you, I'm sorry: I can't. But if you've been through one of those experiences and you're looking for someone to commiserate with you and say, "It's not fair," you've come to the right place. It isn't fair. Unfortunately, sometimes that's just the way things go.
Saturday, November 5, 2016
Goodbye Quits; Hello Bliss
The struggle of this blog has been not having a good computer.
I've loved my laptop, Quits, dearly. However, around the time I started writing this blog, Quits went on the fritz. Doing anything on Quits takes twice as long as it should...maybe longer.
Sometimes, after I publish a blog post, I notice an error in the text.
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: Oh, shoot. Oh, darn. Guess I'd better fix that.
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: (turns Quits on)
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: (logs in)
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: (eats dinner)
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: (takes a shower)
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: (writes in journal)
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: (sees that Quits's applications are finally loaded)
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: Oh, it's bedtime! Nvm.
And the error goes uncorrected.
I was excited about the Blogger app, until I realized that the Blogger app is insane. Anything I type in the app shows up in some weird font, and the images turn out all big and crazy. Personally, I was surprised that a Blogger app was released at all. I'm convinced that nobody actually works at Blogger anymore, because in the three and a half years that I've worked on this blog the site has barely been updated.
Essentially, maintaining this blog has been a struggle.
I've been planning to buy a new laptop for at least a year now, but I'm stingy and I just could never make myself part with the money. This week, though, with NaNoWriMo starting and all, I decided to take the plunge.
My new laptop is tiny and turquoise. Since Quits turned out to be a rather prophetic name, I decided to name this one Bliss. Here's hoping...
It's been great to have a new laptop. My only complaint is that this new model of laptop wants to save everything to OneDrive, and I do not want to save things to OneDrive. On Wednesday, I wrote two page of NaNoWriMo work. However, Bliss thought it would be fun to save that work to OneDrive. Little did she realize that my apartment wifi was not working and that none of my work was saving to OneDrive. And, because of the laptop's setting, it wasn't saving to Bliss, either. It wasn't saving at all. In short, I wrote hundreds of words that were lost in cyberspace as soon as I exited the document.
Other than that, things with Bliss have been pretty, shall we say, blissful. I'm hoping that having a functioning laptop will allow me to write more, better-written posts for this blog and to work on more personal projects as well. We'll see.
I've loved my laptop, Quits, dearly. However, around the time I started writing this blog, Quits went on the fritz. Doing anything on Quits takes twice as long as it should...maybe longer.
Sometimes, after I publish a blog post, I notice an error in the text.
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: Oh, shoot. Oh, darn. Guess I'd better fix that.
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: (turns Quits on)
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: (logs in)
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: (eats dinner)
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: (takes a shower)
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: (writes in journal)
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: (sees that Quits's applications are finally loaded)
AWKWARD MORMON GIRL: Oh, it's bedtime! Nvm.
And the error goes uncorrected.
I was excited about the Blogger app, until I realized that the Blogger app is insane. Anything I type in the app shows up in some weird font, and the images turn out all big and crazy. Personally, I was surprised that a Blogger app was released at all. I'm convinced that nobody actually works at Blogger anymore, because in the three and a half years that I've worked on this blog the site has barely been updated.
Essentially, maintaining this blog has been a struggle.
I've been planning to buy a new laptop for at least a year now, but I'm stingy and I just could never make myself part with the money. This week, though, with NaNoWriMo starting and all, I decided to take the plunge.
My new laptop is tiny and turquoise. Since Quits turned out to be a rather prophetic name, I decided to name this one Bliss. Here's hoping...
It's been great to have a new laptop. My only complaint is that this new model of laptop wants to save everything to OneDrive, and I do not want to save things to OneDrive. On Wednesday, I wrote two page of NaNoWriMo work. However, Bliss thought it would be fun to save that work to OneDrive. Little did she realize that my apartment wifi was not working and that none of my work was saving to OneDrive. And, because of the laptop's setting, it wasn't saving to Bliss, either. It wasn't saving at all. In short, I wrote hundreds of words that were lost in cyberspace as soon as I exited the document.
Other than that, things with Bliss have been pretty, shall we say, blissful. I'm hoping that having a functioning laptop will allow me to write more, better-written posts for this blog and to work on more personal projects as well. We'll see.
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