Even More College Quotes

They're back. They'll make you laugh, they'll make you cry, they'll make you wonder if I've actually learned anything in the past four years.

Here they are, funny and insightful quotations lifted from the margins of my notes--the junior year edition of college quotes!

Once again, I must disclaim by saying that these are all the words of others. My own personal viewpoints, opinions, and sense of humor may vary from that here portrayed.

“Take a class from [Professor] or she’ll kill you. Or I’ll kill you. Or something like that.”

“His area of expertise is the Russian legal system… That must’ve been one short dissertation.”

“I don’t know why I sometimes pick on France, I just do.”

“When was the last time you heard of a French comedian?”

“We’re small, but mediocre.”

“I don’t take much seriously. That’s how I can be a historian.”

“I’ll give you the shirt off my back—-not this one, I like it.”

“A dog wouldn’t befriend these horses like he would a horse in a Budweiser commercial.”

“I’m drooling because I’m upset with the image.”

“Will the tsar have a baby? And will the baby survive or will a dingo eat your baby?”

“I was so excited I called all my friends last night. Not a one of them called me back.”

“You know, defacing things is really one of my favorite pastimes.”

About Russia: “We don’t like the West, the West doesn’t like us, we have an inferiority complex and we’re going to overcompensate for it.”

“I don’t need to make up anything because I find life to be strange.”

“We should have a Russian soiree that gets crashed by peasants and revolutionary elements.”

“In conclusion (I skipped five pages)-”

“I just say hello to everybody. Except for a couple of people.”

“You know, I remain the funniest person on the planet.”

“History as a social science? Them’s fightin’ words!”

On philosophers: “They’re beholden to nothing and no one except their own minds.”

“After I retire it is my goal to teach nothing and to learn nothing.”

“Nobody’s trying to kill me. I think.”

“Never, not even if I killed half of you and buried you in the basement of the Kremlin, could they take away my PhD.”

“Stemware, for those of you who don’t know, is a crucial part of life.”

“The olives represent the spirit of your paper.”

*embraces student’s head* “Oh, excuse me. That wasn’t sexual harassment.”

*suddenly starts squawking, then stops* “Just imitating someone from my Pilates class.”

“By using a term that’s politically correct instead of a term that is real, the power of your paper will be greatly diminished.”

“I think that I’m teaching Jeff McCarthy and [Student] looks like the little girl across the street. I must be moving into some stage of dementia.”

“Two hours of lecture? Word.”

“I think killing [Professor] would be the best idea in the whole world.”

“You need to accommodate your inadequacies.”

“There’s no crying in history.”

“Just because I love you doesn’t mean you have to do less work.”

“Rationalism is very seductive. It gives you the illusion of control and power.”

“I need to go outside and roll in the snow.”

To herself: “Stop it, [Professor's First Name]! Stop it! Just stop it!”

“Interestingly I didn’t become an axe murderer.”

“They thought they could force the tsar to make reforms, particularly middle-class reforms… but there wasn’t a middle class so I don’t know what they were talking about.”

“With all the unhappy people in the world, I must be the most annoying person ever.”

“I had a mystical experience and here it is. I captured it on my iPhone.”

“I’m always happy when I’m not in a Russian novel.”

“Some people don’t know very much, but they should.”

“What have you got there? A little diaphragm? I mean diagram.”

“One thing I don’t understand—-I just interrupted myself but that’s okay.”

“If you had to be part of a kingdom, the Hawaiian kingdom would be nice. Or the Dutch kingdom, with all those tulips.”

“It’s like revolting against Canada. Why would you do that?”

“I’ve been conversing with my mother lately. You know, she’s dead.”

“Not that you care, and not that I care that you care…”

“What do you call this? A canister?”
“…I call it a water bottle.”

“‘And the life of man, solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.’”
“Sound like graduate school.”

“If I knew what you were trying to do, I could help you. But right now, when I walk away from this I’m the one who needs help.”

“Seth Green is attractive even though he’s a ginger. Isn’t that weird?”

“Raise your hand if you shoveled snow this morning.” *nobody moves* “If my wife was here she would raise her hand.”

“So what is calculus?”
“I was under the impression that it’s a form of torture.”

“If slavery is the only string holding Rome up, is it worth cutting it?”

“Are these prompts going to be like the humanities ones?”
“Well, first of all, I don’t know what the humanities ones look like…”
“Death.”

“He probably had somewhere important to be. Like the liquor store.”

Before our exam: “For anyone who wants to cop out, I have a knife in my bag.”

Before our exam: “If we break our thumbs, we can’t write.”

“They drank the Kool-Aid, and it was gonna be a great thing.”

“They followed a principle called Home Rule on the Range. Not Home on the Range, Home Rule on the Range.”

“What’s the problem with sulfur dioxide?”
“Does it cause cancer, like everything else?”

“Hemlock is just as natural as Vitamin C.”

On Henry Luce: “Poor Henry. He used to be famous.”

“Writing is a form of thinking.”

“He could say, ‘I’m mixed-race’ and that would probably confuse people.”

“Presidents shouldn’t have everything they want.”

“There’s a young New York State politician who reads everything because he’s a freakin’ maniac.”

“This is in the ‘People are Complicated’ file.”

“‘Combination in restraint of trade.’ What does that mean? No one knows.”

On North Korea: “I don’t think anybody knows why those guys do anything.”

“It’s impossible not to think about Dickens when you think about conditions in London.”

“He was sort of Franklin Roosevelt before Franklin Roosevelt was Franklin Roosevelt.”

“That’s why God invented footnotes.”

“Man, you’re more cynical than me.”

“Simpsons has the answer to every historical question out there.”

On Hitler: “It’s unwise to believe anything that comes out of this man’s mouth unless he’s threatening you.”

On Mussolini: “What kind of crap dictator leaves the king in charge?”

“It’s like talking about unicorns. There’s no such thing as a total war economy.”

“FDR is like Moses!”

“It was badly planned, but at least it was poorly executed.”

“Appeasement’s the dirtiest word in American foreign policy.”

“I think eventually the Castro brothers will die...just because everybody else has, doesn’t mean they’re going to.”

“If you drink everybody under the table, good for you but not really.”

“If you really want to know how MRI works, you have to take physics. I don’t wanna take physics.”

“Thank you, Freud, for all the misinformation you’ve given the world. We appreciate it.”

“You must make mistakes to learn.”

“I kill you if you don’t remember my name.”

“La la la la. I am the winner.”

“Don’t you be afraid of me or nothing.”

“All the weirdest stories we’ve read are from Argentina. I don’t know what that means.”
“It means you never go to Argentina at night. That’s what that means.”

“She was the most stupid woman that you can see in your life.”

“I don’t know what I would do. If I met someone exactly like myself, I think it would freak me out.”