How Not to Live

I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off, trying to figure out what is holding me back.

For a while now, I've had this strange feeling that I don't know how to explain. It's like... like I'm treading water. Like I'm standing in a bucket of cement. Like I'm stuck in place when I actually want to catapult forward at great speeds. But only metaphorically. Which is why I always wear a seatbelt.

Anyways, after running around trying to figure out what besides seatbelts are holding me back, I finally had the bright idea to check the scriptures. When I did, I found this beauty of a verse:

"Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy." (2 Nephi 2:25)

I've heard this verse a million times or more, but this time it particularly struck me. I was sledgehammered with the realization that our purpose is to have joy. When we aren't being happy--when we aren't having joy--we are literally failing to fulfill the measure of our existence.

I tucked that thought away and went about my business, pulling it out every now and again to examine it. I asked myself, "Am I being held back because I'm unhappy?"

"Perhaps," I responded. I believe that everyone makes their own happiness. And just as sometimes people stop properly producing insulin and get diabetes, I realized that I had stopped properly producing happiness and had gotten the blues.

But the blues weren't the only thing holding me back. Last night, I found this scripture that Runner Bean once shared with me:

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7)

I reread that verse and remembered how it helped me when I was jittery about going to Europe for the better part of a month with people I didn't know and who I worried wouldn't be supportive of my decision not to drink.

With the help of good old 2 Timothy 1:7, I was able to go to Europe armed with the remembrance that as long as I keep God's commandments, I can go out into the world unafraid, for I know that I will be watched over and guided by Him.

Now I asked myself, "Have I been using this knowledge in my everyday life?"

The answer: Yes. At least, I thought I had. But looking back, I identified several times recently when--even though I had constant reassurance from Heavenly Father that everything would work out--I was too afraid to act. Or I acted differently because I was afraid.

With this realization, I had my answer. I was being held back by unhappiness, yes, but also held back by fear.

Which comes first: unhappiness or fear? I think sometimes the one, sometimes the other. Definitely they are related to one another. Happy people usually aren't afraid. Fearful people usually aren't happy.

In any case, both of them hold people back as effectively as a seatbelt does, but with far fewer benefits.

Neither has a place in my life.