Weirdest Christmas Movie Ever

Actually, I'm not even sure this is a Christmas movie.

The movie starts on Groundhog Day, and a weirdly large percentage of it takes place during the spring. And of the part that does take place during the winter, only like five minutes are during actual Christmas. (But about half of those five minutes are a musical number, which is legit. More about the musical number later.)

But either way, this movie is so good that it's bad. Or so bad that it's good? Let me put it this way: For what this movie is trying to do, it does a spectacular job. One just can't help wonder at some points during the movie whether what's being done should have been done at all.

I'm talking about the one, the only, Rankin/Bass production of Jack Frost.

Yes, Jack Frost. It stars Robert Morse (I really like him), Buddy Hackett (you know him as Scuttle the seagull), and Paul Frees (who did all kinds of animated things but especially other obscure Rankin/Bass productions like The Return of the King and The Last Unicorn) plus a lot of other people that I don't know much about.

The premise of the movie is that Jack Frost loves bringing joy to humans but is sad that he's not one of them. One day, (invisible) Jack Frost is hanging out with this nice but kind of spacey girl, Elisa. Elisa is from January Junction (which is a cool name), a town that appears to be in Russia since the currency there is called kopecks and both Elisa's parents have Russian accents even though she has an American accent. Elisa's parents are like "Blah blah blah find a boyfriend!" and Elisa is like "Jack Frost is my boyfriend, lol." Jack doesn't understand Elisa's spacey probably-Russian human girl humor, so he assumes that she's totes serious and makes a deal with Father Winter. Father Winter promises him that he can be a human if he gets a house, a horse, a bag of gold, and a wife before winter is over.

And so Jack literally falls from the sky as a human and is all confused when Elisa doesn't know who he is (dude, you were invisible before). However, Elisa tells him that he seems familiar. Then Father Winter, realizing that Jack is way too guileless and inexperienced to handle the situation, sends Jack's friends (Who are named Snip and Holly. Snip is like Father Winter's personal assistant or something, and Holly is a snow gypsy. Don't know what a snow gypsy is? Neither does anyone else, so.) earth-side to help him out.

Before I go any further, I should tell you that Elisa's family has no money. Literally none. There's a scene earlier in the movie where Kubla Kraus (more on him later) steals the family's only kopeck even though apparently a kopeck is far less than a penny. Elisa's family also raises pumpkins for a living, and despite being in abject poverty they for some reason keep a pet dog and a pet...duck?! I don't know what the duck is doing there. Especially since the duck actually flies, which must be a pain to animate in stop-motion. In any case, the fact that they have a duck is later a very shoehorned plot point, soooooo yeah.

Anyway, Elisa and her Russian-accented parents tell Jack Frost and his friends that they can live with them and their dog and their duck. Jack Frost is all, "Oh no, I must have my own house!" ('cause Father Winter said so), but they explain to him that there are no houses because there are no building materials and also there is no money because NOBODY IN JANUARY JUNCTION HAS ANY MONEY AT ALL. Well, except for money made out of icicles. That's right—the folks of January Junction saw icicles into little icicle coins that they then use to buy stuff from each other all winter long. While this is a wildly flawed plan that would result in a lot of inflation, they seem happy with it. However, the prevalence of currency made out of ice means that there's no bag of gold for Jack, even if he does some real good tailoring (he decides to pretend to be a tailor). And there are no horses either, because apparently nobody can buy horses in January Junction, even if they're icicle-rich.

Undaunted, Jack decides to...well...actually...I don't think he really does anything. He just hangs around January Junction, running a tailor shop out of Elisa's parents' house even though nobody in town actually seems able to afford clothes. Well, and he gets to know Elisa, I guess. She obviously likes him, but she friend-zones him pretty hard. In part because...well. There actually is one person in town who can afford clothes.

His name is Sir Ravenal Rightfellow (not that I knew it off the top of my head; I had to look it up because honestly Sir Ravenous Righteousface is the least interesting part of the movie). He's a knight. He has a really, really square jaw and a suit of golden armor (when people are starving for want of money, no less). And, in case you can't tell, I don't really like him. Which is ironic, considering the voice actor also played Pippin in the Rankin-Bass The Return of the King, and I am obsessed with that version of Pippin. But I am not obsessed with Sir Rightwing Raven. At least, not in a good way. He's nice enough, but he's also the most bland person you can think of, while Jack is wholly delightful and endearing. What's wrong with you, Elisa?!

However, the real villain of this piece (at least that's what they want you to think) is Kubla Kraus. While everyone in January Junction is living in, like, the 1500s, Kubla Kraus is living a steampunk existence. He has a steampunk butler, a steampunk horse, and a host of steampunk knights (pronounced keh-nights; I don't know either). Also, Kubla Kraus (who, like Elisa's parents, has a Russian accent) has a metal ventriloquist's dummy named Dommy. He uses Dommy to talk...to himself. For purposes of exposition, I guess. (P. S. Dommy has a Russian accent, too.) In any case, Kubla explains to Dommy that he wants to marry Elisa 'cause she's pretty. Dommy thinks that this is a bad plan because "she doesn't like you," but Kubla disagrees.

Anyway, Christmas comes, and it turns out that January Junction's icicle money is GOOD FOR NOTHING because even though there's an endless supply of icicles, no one can afford Christmas presents. Or something? It's unclear, but in any case, NO ONE in the entire town gives gifts to each other for the holiday. Instead, they pass around an empty box and take turns opening it and pretending there's a Christmas present inside. This is what the musical number is about, and it's actually extremely charming. They all pantomime what they're taking out of the box and say, "It's just what I've always wanted!" And they do this. Completely. Seriously. It's not self-conscious at all. (But even though Elisa's family and Jack give imaginary presents to each other, they don't give anything to Holly and Snip, which seems like a particular egregious oversight since...they're imaginary... But that's neither here nor there.)

Then Sir Robin Wright Penn gives Elisa a box and says (kind of snotty), "It's a real present." And what did this super-rich guy—who literally wears armor made out of gold—get for this girl who's so humble that she's content with imaginary gifts and so poor that she doesn't even have a change of clothes? A rose. A stinking rose. And, okay, I guess it's kind of romantic if you like that stuff—but when her basic needs aren't being met, it just seems kind of rude to give her something that might not even last overnight. You know?

Oh yeah; there is a second part of the gift. He invites her to a ball that night (which begs the question where the heck the ball is being held). Does she go with him? It's unclear, because later that night she's kidnapped by Kubla and Dommy in a back alley. It's looking like Elisa may never see her family or friends again, except. The family duck is in the woods visiting relatives (yes, this actually happens) and sees Kubla dragging Elisa away on his steampunk horse. So the duck flies home and tells everyone (they all speak duck I guess?) that Elisa's been kidnapped, and Jack and his friends and Sir Raving Rye Bread come to save the day.

Long story short, Sir Ravenclaw Rice Paper saves Elisa but accidentally leaves Jack, Holly, and Snip behind. Kubla throws them all in the dungeon and, being super angry, decides that he wants to destroy January Junction.

Jack is understandably upset, so he tries to "whistle up a winter wind," to stop Kubla in his tracks, but he's human, and he can't do it. So he pleads with Father Winter to let him become a winter spirit again so that he can stop Kubla. Father Winter agrees, and Jack, Holly, and Snip all return to the winter kingdom while Jack brews up quite the storm.

He's successful, he keeps Kubla barricaded in his castle until spring, la de da. But now Elisa is worried because what happened to Jack Snip?! Sir Ravishing Ryan Gosling is kind of annoyed that she's not paying attention to him (he was injured or something when they rescued her; I don't remember or care). In any case, he tells (tells) her that once he's recovered, they'll marry in the spring. Boo.

Back home, Jack's freaking out because once the snow melts, what's going to keep Kubla from destroying January Junction? But Father Winter tells him that there's nothing they can do because once the groundhog decides it's spring, it's spring. Sooooo Jack finds Buddy Hackett the groundhog, who apparently gets to make this momentous spring decision for the entire world (by the way, there are television crews videoing the groundhog, so now the time period of this movie is even more unclear than before). Anyway, even though he's a disembodied spirit, Jack casts a shadow on the ground that sends the groundhog back into hiding, buying six more weeks of winter to save January Junction (and to prevent Elisa from marrying Sir Ravioli Right to Know, although he's not aware of that).

Right before spring finally arrives, Father Winter allows Jack to return to human form and still try to get his house, gold, horse, and wife. First, though, Jack defeats Kubla Kraus and then Father Winter blows the tyrant far, far away, leaving Jack to take possession of the castle, a bag of gold, and the steampunk horse. He hurries back to January Junction, only to find out that Elisa (who finally got a change of clothes) is about to marry Sir Raven-Symoné Writing Desk. Jack, confused, tells Elisa's father that he thought Elisa loved him. Elisa's father, also confused, says that he knew that Elisa loved Jack Frost—"but no, I never heard her say that she loved you, Jack Snip."

UGH.

Just then, spring arrives, and Jack Frost turns back into a spirit. And at this point, you realize that all along, you were actually watching The Little Mermaid, and Hans Christian Anderson is rolling over in his grave so many times that he could win a tumbling competition.

The End!

(But seriously, if you can think of a weirder Christmas movie, I'd be interested in hearing about it.)