I've talked about Eli McCann's blog here before. Don't necessarily consider these mentions an endorsement for Eli McCann; I definitely can't say we share the same beliefs even though we're members of the same religion. I don't agree with a lot of his conclusions. However, I find his writing to be interesting, thoughtful, and funny.
This is the post I tweeted. I tweeted it because it reminded me of what was happening in my own life. Now, four years later, I find myself in a similar situation as I did then. The post still strikes a chord. It's about a profound strain in a relationship with a friend who roomed with him on a tropical island for a year. I'll share some relevant segments with you:
...we were both angry with one another. Really angry with one another.
I won't go into all of the whys and hows. Frankly, I don't think either of us even know all of the whys and hows. But in our final weeks in Palau we had grown apart considerably. We never really talked about it. But we both knew that serious frustration had built up, and we got to a point where both of us resented the decisions and actions of the other, from the benign to the significant....
...I had made some decisions that really really upset Daniel. I didn't know that they upset him at the time and I didn't believe he had any reason to be upset anyway. Many months later, when we finally spoke candidly, I learned how life looked from his perspective and I could see how some of my actions could have been so insensitive and hurtful to him at that time. And I felt absolutely terrible about this. Daniel reports that he experienced something similar on his end after he considered some of his own actions and reactions.
Don't get me wrong. We never hated each other, or even stopped caring about one another's well-being. We had just lost a lot of what we had, and all of this because we were acting in ways that were extremely hurtful to the other without ever discussing it....
...He was the one person who could really understand everything I had just gone through for what was probably the most difficult year of my life. And he didn't even seem to care about me or, apparently, intend to ever see me again.
I hated that this was the way he had chosen to make me feel. I hated that I had done whatever I had done to him to make him wander off so callously and carelessly. I hated that I didn't really know what that thing was that I had done. I hated that I hated when this moment should have induced feelings of nostalgia and love and profound significance.
When I tweeted out the post four years ago, I prefaced it with, "I may have cried while reading this..." I'm not going to say that again, but if I did, I wouldn't be lying.
Now I'm going to give you some unsolicited advice. I've always liked this quote by Ambrose Bierce: "Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Even though Ambrose Bierce was a total downer, he had a point. We all say stupid stuff when we're angry. So if you swore yourself to a course of action when you were angry, such as that you're going to kill someone for revenge or never talk to someone again to make a point or never talk to someone again to make a point and then kill them for revenge—that's dumb. Don't do it. It's something you decided to do when you were angry and weren't thinking clearly. If you think about it again for five seconds when you're calm, you'll realize that you don't actually want to do that. Release yourself from your angry vow and make new, calmer vows that involve kindness and behaving well and giving others the benefit of the doubt.
If, while you were making your angry speech, you said some mean, mean things to hurt someone else, then reach out to that person and let them know you regret it. You're not sure how they'll receive your apology? Make it anyway. If you wait for signals that show they're not mad, you could be waiting a long time. They probably will stay at least somewhat mad until you apologize! It's a self-defense mechanism. If they stay mad at you, they can't be hurt by you, right? It's just easier for them that way. So you may have to be the first one to reach out. There's nothing wrong with that. If anything, it can be good for ya to practice your humility.
In short, don't kill the relationships you care about because you spoke hastily and are too proud and stubborn to humble yourself even though you regret how things played out. Rant over. Stepping off soapbox. Going to bed.
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