Weirdest Christmas Movie Ever

Actually, I'm not even sure this is a Christmas movie.

The movie starts on Groundhog Day, and a weirdly large percentage of it takes place during the spring. And of the part that does take place during the winter, only like five minutes are during actual Christmas. (But about half of those five minutes are a musical number, which is legit. More about the musical number later.)

But either way, this movie is so good that it's bad. Or so bad that it's good? Let me put it this way: For what this movie is trying to do, it does a spectacular job. One just can't help wonder at some points during the movie whether what's being done should have been done at all.

I'm talking about the one, the only, Rankin/Bass production of Jack Frost.

Yes, Jack Frost. It stars Robert Morse (I really like him), Buddy Hackett (you know him as Scuttle the seagull), and Paul Frees (who did all kinds of animated things but especially other obscure Rankin/Bass productions like The Return of the King and The Last Unicorn) plus a lot of other people that I don't know much about.

The premise of the movie is that Jack Frost loves bringing joy to humans but is sad that he's not one of them. One day, (invisible) Jack Frost is hanging out with this nice but kind of spacey girl, Elisa. Elisa is from January Junction (which is a cool name), a town that appears to be in Russia since the currency there is called kopecks and both Elisa's parents have Russian accents even though she has an American accent. Elisa's parents are like "Blah blah blah find a boyfriend!" and Elisa is like "Jack Frost is my boyfriend, lol." Jack doesn't understand Elisa's spacey probably-Russian human girl humor, so he assumes that she's totes serious and makes a deal with Father Winter. Father Winter promises him that he can be a human if he gets a house, a horse, a bag of gold, and a wife before winter is over.

And so Jack literally falls from the sky as a human and is all confused when Elisa doesn't know who he is (dude, you were invisible before). However, Elisa tells him that he seems familiar. Then Father Winter, realizing that Jack is way too guileless and inexperienced to handle the situation, sends Jack's friends (Who are named Snip and Holly. Snip is like Father Winter's personal assistant or something, and Holly is a snow gypsy. Don't know what a snow gypsy is? Neither does anyone else, so.) earth-side to help him out.

Before I go any further, I should tell you that Elisa's family has no money. Literally none. There's a scene earlier in the movie where Kubla Kraus (more on him later) steals the family's only kopeck even though apparently a kopeck is far less than a penny. Elisa's family also raises pumpkins for a living, and despite being in abject poverty they for some reason keep a pet dog and a pet...duck?! I don't know what the duck is doing there. Especially since the duck actually flies, which must be a pain to animate in stop-motion. In any case, the fact that they have a duck is later a very shoehorned plot point, soooooo yeah.

Anyway, Elisa and her Russian-accented parents tell Jack Frost and his friends that they can live with them and their dog and their duck. Jack Frost is all, "Oh no, I must have my own house!" ('cause Father Winter said so), but they explain to him that there are no houses because there are no building materials and also there is no money because NOBODY IN JANUARY JUNCTION HAS ANY MONEY AT ALL. Well, except for money made out of icicles. That's right—the folks of January Junction saw icicles into little icicle coins that they then use to buy stuff from each other all winter long. While this is a wildly flawed plan that would result in a lot of inflation, they seem happy with it. However, the prevalence of currency made out of ice means that there's no bag of gold for Jack, even if he does some real good tailoring (he decides to pretend to be a tailor). And there are no horses either, because apparently nobody can buy horses in January Junction, even if they're icicle-rich.

Undaunted, Jack decides to...well...actually...I don't think he really does anything. He just hangs around January Junction, running a tailor shop out of Elisa's parents' house even though nobody in town actually seems able to afford clothes. Well, and he gets to know Elisa, I guess. She obviously likes him, but she friend-zones him pretty hard. In part because...well. There actually is one person in town who can afford clothes.

His name is Sir Ravenal Rightfellow (not that I knew it off the top of my head; I had to look it up because honestly Sir Ravenous Righteousface is the least interesting part of the movie). He's a knight. He has a really, really square jaw and a suit of golden armor (when people are starving for want of money, no less). And, in case you can't tell, I don't really like him. Which is ironic, considering the voice actor also played Pippin in the Rankin-Bass The Return of the King, and I am obsessed with that version of Pippin. But I am not obsessed with Sir Rightwing Raven. At least, not in a good way. He's nice enough, but he's also the most bland person you can think of, while Jack is wholly delightful and endearing. What's wrong with you, Elisa?!

However, the real villain of this piece (at least that's what they want you to think) is Kubla Kraus. While everyone in January Junction is living in, like, the 1500s, Kubla Kraus is living a steampunk existence. He has a steampunk butler, a steampunk horse, and a host of steampunk knights (pronounced keh-nights; I don't know either). Also, Kubla Kraus (who, like Elisa's parents, has a Russian accent) has a metal ventriloquist's dummy named Dommy. He uses Dommy to talk...to himself. For purposes of exposition, I guess. (P. S. Dommy has a Russian accent, too.) In any case, Kubla explains to Dommy that he wants to marry Elisa 'cause she's pretty. Dommy thinks that this is a bad plan because "she doesn't like you," but Kubla disagrees.

Anyway, Christmas comes, and it turns out that January Junction's icicle money is GOOD FOR NOTHING because even though there's an endless supply of icicles, no one can afford Christmas presents. Or something? It's unclear, but in any case, NO ONE in the entire town gives gifts to each other for the holiday. Instead, they pass around an empty box and take turns opening it and pretending there's a Christmas present inside. This is what the musical number is about, and it's actually extremely charming. They all pantomime what they're taking out of the box and say, "It's just what I've always wanted!" And they do this. Completely. Seriously. It's not self-conscious at all. (But even though Elisa's family and Jack give imaginary presents to each other, they don't give anything to Holly and Snip, which seems like a particular egregious oversight since...they're imaginary... But that's neither here nor there.)

Then Sir Robin Wright Penn gives Elisa a box and says (kind of snotty), "It's a real present." And what did this super-rich guy—who literally wears armor made out of gold—get for this girl who's so humble that she's content with imaginary gifts and so poor that she doesn't even have a change of clothes? A rose. A stinking rose. And, okay, I guess it's kind of romantic if you like that stuff—but when her basic needs aren't being met, it just seems kind of rude to give her something that might not even last overnight. You know?

Oh yeah; there is a second part of the gift. He invites her to a ball that night (which begs the question where the heck the ball is being held). Does she go with him? It's unclear, because later that night she's kidnapped by Kubla and Dommy in a back alley. It's looking like Elisa may never see her family or friends again, except. The family duck is in the woods visiting relatives (yes, this actually happens) and sees Kubla dragging Elisa away on his steampunk horse. So the duck flies home and tells everyone (they all speak duck I guess?) that Elisa's been kidnapped, and Jack and his friends and Sir Raving Rye Bread come to save the day.

Long story short, Sir Ravenclaw Rice Paper saves Elisa but accidentally leaves Jack, Holly, and Snip behind. Kubla throws them all in the dungeon and, being super angry, decides that he wants to destroy January Junction.

Jack is understandably upset, so he tries to "whistle up a winter wind," to stop Kubla in his tracks, but he's human, and he can't do it. So he pleads with Father Winter to let him become a winter spirit again so that he can stop Kubla. Father Winter agrees, and Jack, Holly, and Snip all return to the winter kingdom while Jack brews up quite the storm.

He's successful, he keeps Kubla barricaded in his castle until spring, la de da. But now Elisa is worried because what happened to Jack Snip?! Sir Ravishing Ryan Gosling is kind of annoyed that she's not paying attention to him (he was injured or something when they rescued her; I don't remember or care). In any case, he tells (tells) her that once he's recovered, they'll marry in the spring. Boo.

Back home, Jack's freaking out because once the snow melts, what's going to keep Kubla from destroying January Junction? But Father Winter tells him that there's nothing they can do because once the groundhog decides it's spring, it's spring. Sooooo Jack finds Buddy Hackett the groundhog, who apparently gets to make this momentous spring decision for the entire world (by the way, there are television crews videoing the groundhog, so now the time period of this movie is even more unclear than before). Anyway, even though he's a disembodied spirit, Jack casts a shadow on the ground that sends the groundhog back into hiding, buying six more weeks of winter to save January Junction (and to prevent Elisa from marrying Sir Ravioli Right to Know, although he's not aware of that).

Right before spring finally arrives, Father Winter allows Jack to return to human form and still try to get his house, gold, horse, and wife. First, though, Jack defeats Kubla Kraus and then Father Winter blows the tyrant far, far away, leaving Jack to take possession of the castle, a bag of gold, and the steampunk horse. He hurries back to January Junction, only to find out that Elisa (who finally got a change of clothes) is about to marry Sir Raven-Symoné Writing Desk. Jack, confused, tells Elisa's father that he thought Elisa loved him. Elisa's father, also confused, says that he knew that Elisa loved Jack Frost—"but no, I never heard her say that she loved you, Jack Snip."

UGH.

Just then, spring arrives, and Jack Frost turns back into a spirit. And at this point, you realize that all along, you were actually watching The Little Mermaid, and Hans Christian Anderson is rolling over in his grave so many times that he could win a tumbling competition.

The End!

(But seriously, if you can think of a weirder Christmas movie, I'd be interested in hearing about it.)

My Tenth Stitch Fix Experience

So winter happened, and when winter happened I discovered that I basically didn't have any warm winter shirts that aren't sweaters.

First off, a disclaimer: I love sweaters. I have a small department store's worth of them. But they're darned hard to care for. I figured I needed some easier winter shirts.

Thus I scheduled a Fix (my tenth!) and dashed off a note to Jessica V, explaining that I needed warm winter shirts (that weren't blouses or sweaters) and warm winter dresses, too.

I experienced an avalanche of delight when I opened my Fix and found not one but two bundles of clothes. Better yet, they were wrapped in special holiday wrap!!!

Instead of taking one picture of each bundle, I took two pictures of the same one...IDK.

Then I experienced an avalanche of shock as soon as I opened my stylist's note.

Hi Awkward Mormon Girl, Jessica is not available to style this Fix, but I took extra time today to review your Style Profile and Fix History to get familiar with your style!

Jessica V "is not available?" Then who the flip are you??? (Further perusal showed that this stylist goes by the sketchy alias of "Jill.")

Thank you for leaving a request for warm winter tops and dresses...we've got you covered! I started with the legging-like Liverpool skinny jeans.

Wait...jeans? I'm not really in the market for jeans, girlfriend. I replaced literally all of my old jeans earlier this year.

The inseam should be perfect! Pair the jeans with the burgundy knit top for a cute and casual style. I also added the cozy pullover sweater. It's sure to keep you warm on the colder days ahead.

What did I say about sweaters, Jill? Hmm? I said, "No sweaters!" I'm pretty sure I said those literal exact words, except without the exclamation point. Because using an exclamation point would be rude.

I hope you love the Marc New York Puffer Coat. Both the quality and craftsmanship are top-notch! Enjoy exploring these new arrivals. And as always, please leave feedback. Happy Fix Day :) Your stylist, Jill

Whoa, Jill. Whoa. Whoa. You're not "my stylist," okay? Jessica V is my stylist. You're just filling in while she's gone.

(Also, Jill, you're supposed to end a Fix note in an XO, not a smiley face. Geez.)

Most of the trying-on process was just me having an internal dialogue with Jill. Like so:

Liverpool Elizabeth Super Skinny Jean: "I don't need jeggings, Jill." (In spite of the name, these pants are totally jeggings and not real jeans.) *as I'm sliding the pants on* "Do not want, do not need—oh my gosh, these are so comfy."

I feel like this happens every time Stitch Fix sends me jeans, buuuuut...Verdict: Keep.

Dual Nature Celeste Knit Top: I was actually very pleased with this top. This is exactly the kind of thing I was hoping to get in my Fix, and I didn't direct any irate comments towards Jill while I was trying it on. I recently bought myself a jumper, and I tried the top with the jumper to see if it worked. (I love that about Stitch Fix.) Verdict: Keep.

Le Lis Kano Textured Knit Dress: I liked the look of the dress, but I was irritated that it was short-sleeved. "I said warm dresses, Jill! What part of  'warm' do you not understand—" *tries on dress* "—wow, this really is warm." Sure enough, despite being a winter dress with no actual sleeves (?!), it was quite warm, looked lovely beneath a cardigan, and actually fell below my knees. Verdict: Keep.

I wasn't sure what to think about the last two items.

Evolution by Cyrus Yvonna Mock Neck Pullover Sweater: "I said no sweaters!"

The sweater looked all right on me, but besides being a sweater and not what I desired, it was reeeaaally staticky. It clung to my hair like a crazy hair-clinging thing.

Marc New York Risor Quilted Puffer Coat: "Jill! My style profile says no coats! I don't need a coat; I already have a perfectly good coat." *tries on coat* "Wow, this looks really good on me...especially the color..."

In all honesty, my puffy winter coat is actually pretty old and ugly; I'm just adverse to spending money on a new coat when I have one that's serviceable enough. Plus the coat was (I thought) way too expensive.

When faced with such decisions, I do what any sensible girl would do and text my mom and sisters, asking whether they thought I should buy the coat. If I did, then I would need to buy the sweater as well (since buying all five items and getting a discount was less money than buying the four items I really liked).

I got mixed feedback, but my mom was the one with the strongest opinion (and the most difficult phone to text on).

Mom: Static can be managed with fabric softener sheets. YOU Can Use More PANTS dear. And a cute coat. You need to spend some on yourself. You are such a great saver but you are only young and cute once. I don't tell the others to buy more clothes but you need them.

With that kind of endorsement, I decided to go ahead and buy everything.

(P. S. I also sent a picture to see what they thought of the top-and-jumper combo.

Mom: The jumper is cute with that top. GOOD color on you.love you

I thought that it worked. Older Sister thought that it didn't. Little Sister seemingly abstained. What do y'all think?)

Anyway, in closing, I guess that Jill did an all right job and that I can grudgingly like her and not feel super disloyal to Jessica V. Although...now that I think of it...Jessica V was the one who abandoned me, not the other way round! So I shouldn't feel guilty about having a fling with Jill, right? I think? The ethics of client-stylist relationships are a little unclear to me.

If you've got a hankering to make Jessica V or Jill or some other hapless person pick out a bunch of clothes for you, go ahead and sign up for Stitch Fix using this here referral link! You get a Fix, and I get $25 in credit. It's fun for everyone.

Light the World (Again)

I guess last year's Light the World went really well, because my church is doing it again this year.

Let's review: For Light the World, you do 25 acts of service over 25 days. Last year I shared my acts of service every day on Twitter. This year, I decided to do the service but not post about it daily. Also, last year I just did any kind of service and didn't follow the suggested themes (particularly because I was in Disneyland for four days and had to just grab service opportunities as they appeared). I'm following the themes each day this year, though. In some ways it makes it easier...in some ways it makes it harder.

In any case, 'tis a wonderful way to spend Christ's season!

Every Day I'm Timehoppin'

Late last year, Baby Brother became obsessed with Timehop.

I think it was during our trip to Arizona that he became so engrossed. We were all together for three days straight, and at some point or another I showed him Timehop.

Around this time, Timehop starting doing "streaks." That is, if you checked Timehop for a certain number of days in a row, you got a streak.

Baby Brother was curious about what would happen if I got a month-long Timehop streak. So I set out to check Timehop every day for a month.

At the end, Baby Brother was underwhelmed by whatever it was that Timehop did to acknowledge a streak of one month. However, his curiosity peaked (not piqued, although that's also relevant in this situation) at the thought of what might happen when one checked Timehop every day for a year.

A really awesome sister would then proceed to check Timehop every day for a year...right?

Well, please give me the really awesome sister award, because I did just that.

Through horrible snowstorms and sweltering summer and my birthday and holidays and good days and bad days I kept checking Timehop—and yesterday, I finally got me a year streak.

I let Baby Brother know right away. (He's allowed to use Baby Sister's phone on a limited basis while she is on her mission.)

...underwhelmed again.

Remember, Remember the End of November

My plans for the evening were to wrap up on some stuff for the month. Namely, attend the temple (I do this at least twice monthly but had only gone once this month), finish up with NaNoWriMo, and write this blog post.

What actually happened was that I was in the temple about half as long as I'd planned, and directly after I went to the doctor.

I've been to the doctor soooo many times this year. This time, the health concern of the day was a UTI. I've had UTIs twice before, so I know the symptoms. Also, I've gone to my mom's place of work for treatment before, but I've never had her actually be the RN on duty before. Tonight she was the one who took my blood pressure and weighed me and stuff.

MY MOTHER THE RN: You're so tiny!

ME: MOM.

Long story short, that's how about 100 of the 1,000 words I wrote tonight were jotted down on a crumpled index card while I was hanging around the doctor's office.

What's that? You want to know how NaNoWriMo went this year? My goal was 32,000 words, and I pulled 26,000. Not bad! (Especially since that's about double what I wrote last year.) I have high hopes that I'll be done with the entire novel soon, although I'm slacking off a little starting tomorrow because of the Christmas season.

The Lost Socks

The Blogger app is finally kaput. For a while there, I was having an excessively rough time getting photos off my phone and onto the Blogger platform for your perusal.

After poking around in a few alternatives, I landed on using a photo-sharing Google feature to get the photos loaded directly from my phone to my Blogger library. Pretty neat!

One of the recent photos on my phone is these socks:

They're a strange medley of frogs and hearts, and they've been sitting on the counter in the laundry room for about three years.

I'm pretty into weird socks, and my mom often buys her kids Valentine-themed socks for Valentine's Day, so there's a chance that they're mine.

BUT I don't recognize them. Like, at all. And I'm pretty sure I would.

There's also a chance that they were left behind by La Petite or Snacktime. Probably more likely to be La Petite's than Snacktime's, since I replaced Snacktime in the apartment and I didn't see the socks around until a while after I moved in.

They could also be the Seamstress's or Pepper's, but since both of them have lived here without claiming them for three years, that seems not likely.

If you have any ideas of they could belong to...or if they belong to you...let me know. I won't ask questions, even if there's no way they could possibly belong to you. *wink wink*

...

...

(In case it's not clear, I'm basically saying that YOU CAN HAVE THE SOCKS FOR FREE IF YOU GET THEM OFF OUR HANDS (OR FEET, RATHER).)

Wirth It

Context: This post is about my second day at Comic Con 2017.

I've been wondering lately: why is Comic Con a thing?

Think about it. We go to this massive event in hopes of seeing some random people most of us have never seen personally or met before and will probably never see personally or meet again. And we don't just go—some sacrifice ludicrous amounts of time and money to do it.

Why do we even care? Why does it matter?

I think we do it because humans are reciprocal creatures. These people have touched our lives from beyond the page or in front of the camera. Some of them have even indirectly changed us. So we go seeking them in hopes that in some way, we might return the favor. We want to be part of their lives the way they're part of ours, even if we only shake their hands or tell them our names or stand beside them for a ten-second photo op.

After day one, Heather Dixon, and Jess Harnell, it was day two with Elijah Wood, the voice of Wirt.

A little background: one time when I was younger, my second cousin told me that I had Elijah Wood's eyes. You know, big. Blue. Intense. I could see it, but I also had my doubts. Now, years later, I had the perfect way to settle the question. The plan was that after I got my picture taken with Elijah Wood, I would be able to look directly at the photo and compare our eyes.

Well, guess what? Towards the end of our first day at Comic Con, my eye started swelling. I assumed it was allergies, so I took a six-hour generic of Benadryl. That seemed to help a little, but the next morning my eye was still somewhat swollen.

I don't like having a swollen eye on any day, but it was especially bothersome on this day of all days when I was going to get a photo op with Elijah Wood. I couldn't have my eyes swelling when I needed them be nice and normal so that I could determine if I actually did have Elijah Wood's eyes! Ya know? So I took another pill for good measure.

Satisfied that the crisis was averted, I proceeded to get myself ready for the day. I was wearing a new Over the Garden Wall shirt that I'd purchased especially for the occasion. Not being able to say hello during our photo op last year was abnormal. Favorite Cousin told me that his experience was that usually you got to exchange greetings with the celebrity before the photo. With this in mind, I'd spawned a second but almost-as-important photo op plan: Elijah Wood would see my shirt as we approached him, and he'd say, "Nice shirt!" Because how could the voice of Wirt not appreciate a shirt with Wirt on it, I ask you?! It was a brilliant plan. Foolproof.

Our photo op wasn't until the afternoon, so Favorite Cousin and I started our day by hitting Elijah Wood's panel.

News flash: Elijah Wood's normal-person voice is just Wirt's voice!

I had no idea! He's faking that prissy Frodo accent in The Lord of the Rings, so I didn't know what his regular voice was like. But I grabbed a few videos of him and it basically just sounds like Wirt talking and aaaaaah it's amazing.

I was really excited to hear more about Elijah's work on Over the Garden Wall. This was Comic Con, so I figured everybody would be into some really obscure stuff. But no. No. Almost every question was about The Lord of the Rings. And I was just like, "People! There are literally hours and hours of bonus material about these films that you can find on the Special Feature menu on your DVDs! There is many an interview about them! There is at least one book about them that I know of! I already know the answer to most of these questions, and so should you! Ask Elijah Wood some questions about things we don't already know everything about!"

But alas, as this tirade was completely in my head, it did no good. Almost every question was about The Lord of the Rings, and Elijah Wood got kind of awkward about it. He said it was hard to "articulate" (he probably said the word "articulate" like ten times), and I think he even said that being a part of filming the series was kind of isolating because so few people could relate to the unique experience.

After that, Favorite Cousin and I puttered around a bit. We shopped for Captain America t-shirts and Hogwarts watches. We looked at many a piece of artwork and ate funnel cake, if memory serves.

Then it was time for our photo op.

I kept thinking that some kind of disaster would strike, but it didn't. We got in line behind these people who were dressed in impressive full-on Tolkien elf costumes, ears and everything. Who does that?! They do that, apparently.

Last year, Evanna Lynch was trying to catch a flight, we were super-rushed through the line. Like I said, we weren't allowed to really talk to Evanna or anything.

I guess that memory made Favorite Cousin determined not to waste any of Elijah Wood's time, because when we were still a few people back in line, he turned to me and asked what side of the picture I wanted to be on.

It seemed like we would have a minute to figure that out when we got to the front of the line, but no big deal. We got closer...and closer...and closer.

The elves strode up to Elijah Wood. He looked at them and said something like, "Nice costumes, guys!"

He was totally going to compliment my shirt! I just knew it.

Then it was our turn. Favorite Cousin rushed forward...and so did I.

"Hi—oh. Okay," said Elijah Wood. We were on either side of him before he could even look at us...or at our shirts.

Noooo!

We got our photo. Then, to be polite, I said, "Thank you!"

Then Elijah Wood looked at me. I was just a couple inches shorter than him, so I got a full-on blast of the famous eyes.

And...whoooaaa. I was stunned. They were so blue. So intense and mesmerizing. I was, like, frozen solid for a second or two under the sheer force of them.

"Oh," he said. He sounded as dazed as I felt, but he also sounded confused. "You're welcome."

And then...it was over. Favorite Cousin and I went to claim our photo. While I was let down that Elijah Wood hadn't even seen my shirt, I was excited to compare his eyes to mine in the photo. Plus he'd looked me right in the eye and talked to me, so that was cool! Except he'd been so dazed and confused! Why was he so dazed and confused?

As we waited, I told Favorite Cousin about my plan to compare my eyes with Elijah Wood's. Favorite Cousin understood and seemed to think this was important. When we claimed our photos, he helped me conduct the comparison.

My assessment was that our eyes were similar, except that mine were greener and looked a lot darker.

Favorite Cousin agreed. In fact... "It almost looks in the picture like your pupils are dilated."

Wait. What? "Are they dilated now?"

He said that they were.

What the—I contacted my mother the RN. Was it possible that dilated eyes were a side effect of Benadryl generics?

As it turned out, it was possible. It was factual. My eyes were really dilated, I discovered upon looking in a mirror.

I remembered how dazed and confused Elijah Wood had seemed.

I'd gotten a really good look at his eyes. He must have gotten a really good look at mine.

Although I'll never know for sure, I have a sneaking suspicion that Elijah Wood was so dazed and confused because he saw my dilated eyes and thought I was stoned.

If that's the case, though, at least I did make an impression...it just wasn't with my t-shirt.